Butterfly love
by Loren-Mac
Summary: A lovely fic, involving everyone really!
1. part one, times long forgotten

Butterfly Love, Part one, Times long forgotten. She looks around the room, so much shows her that she is truly alone in the world, no man to be beside her, after all, isn't that what she wanted, by pushing them all away? She knows that she still loves him, however much she tries to convince herself she doesn't; it's obvious she does, clearly not obvious enough to him. She shakes her head, sending flurries of tears faster down her cheeks, she knows that he probably knows, just doesn't want to try it again, not after last time. She had just let him slip from her grip; she thought she had him so secure, she thought that this time she had truly found the one, the only one for her. Then he did it, he proposed and everything exploded inside of her again, she was afraid again, afraid of being hurt, afraid of the future that lay ahead and so she ran. At the time she had no idea where she was running to, and yet she didn't care, she knew she had to go and it didn't matter where or how. She now knows it was stupid to run, she's here now and all she feels is love for Ric, so much love that it just doesn't seem real, almost artificial.  
  
She lies back on the bed, despite the tears still burning at her eyes, confusing her so much that she can't even think of the pain any more. She finds herself drifting off into sleep, she has no idea how she manages it, but the tears still continue to fall, drowning her pillow in confused sobs. She knows deep inside of her that Ric would take her back in a heart beat, but she doesn't deserve Ric back, how on earth can she deserve to be loved that much? He would risk everything for her, he's all she ever dreamed of and she's all he has ever dreamed of and yet all her childhood dreams seem to be fading slowly out of view. All she can see is Ric's smiling face, grinning at her gently and she is blinded by his all, everything about him makes her happy. He lifts her close to him and she can smell him, almost feel everything about him, she knows he loves her, she can feel it deep inside of him. It's something she always felt when he held her close, security and love.  
  
"I love you Diane" The words just ring in her ears, sending her mind spinning, lighting up her life and sending her heart soaring to the highest of heavens. She leans closer to him, the soft touch of his lips against hers just amazing her, it's at this very moment that she never wants to wake. Never wants to awake to the world where they are only friends and nothing more, never wants him to stop kissing her, she hates knowing that she may never hear him actually tell her he loves her. Is he thinking of her, dreaming of her at this moment as she is him? Does he think about her every moment of the day and just wish to be in her arms, in love with her again? She knows that he could be thinking of her, right at this very time, but the odds of it seem like zero, why would he want to think about her, its obvious that he cares about her, but almost enough to just make them friends, nothing more. "Never leave me Diane" The words cut through her, bringing her back to reality, she never wants to leave him, but she can't have him to leave, not this time. She feels herself waking to the dim light of the room, the covers still beneath her, the television still flickering from the front room. She tries to tell herself that it was just a dream, and yet she still hopes for it to be reality, for her to turn around and he will be beside her, sleeping soundly as he always had.  
  
She hears the phone ringing and is glad to have something to occupy her mind, more than him, she doesn't need to be thinking about him, he's not coming back, and it hurts too much to be thinking of him. She doesn't ever want to hurt any more. She walks across the hallway, rubbing her eyes, trying desperately to rub away the tears as if the person on the other end will be able to tell she's been crying. She catches a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror as she tries to see the time, she's a real mess, how could she ever let herself get like this? She swipes the hair out of her face and tries to rub away the mascara lines that continually run down her face. If Ric could only see her like this, would he run away or would he stay by her side, it would scare him, he had never seen the vulnerable afraid Diane and that's the way she would rather it be, the unknown. She finally gets a quick look at the clock as she reaches out towards the phone, 12:00am, whoever it is, it really must be important.  
  
"Hello"  
  
"Diane, hi" She smiles at the sound of his voice down the phone, almost loosing herself inside it, how could she forget about him? Maybe he has rung to tell her that he loves her? She shakes her head and switches herself back to the conversation, remembering what he really could have rung for, an emergency.  
  
"Ric what is it?"  
  
"Diane, there has been an emergency down on Ambridge road, we can't get anyone else down there and they need us, just say you'll be there in twenty minutes?" She hears the urgency in his voice and almost laughs to herself, how stupid could she have been? Of course, it was work, with Ric it always is. She almost feels guilty instantly, of course he doesn't only think of work, when she had been with him it had been like nothing else mattered to him but her, all that he saw was her and when he looked at her she could always see the love in those huge brown eyes.  
  
"Okay Ric, I'll be there!"  
  
She puts down the receiver, had she came across angry, upset, harsh? She doesn't want him to know how she feels, not now, not ever.  
  
~*~ He puts down the phone, sighing to himself, Diane never could express how she felt, had she been mad at him for waking her up? He knows he shouldn't be standing around, he really should be getting to the emergency, "these kinds of things don't wait", who had it been who had always said that? Of course, it had been her, and no matter how much he tries to hide it, he loves her, everything he tries to think of always relates back to her. He couldn't help being horrible to Tom, Steve, Adam, anyone who came across Diane, he had been jealous, and due to his jealousy he knows he has probably ruined every chance of ever being with her again. If only he had been more sympathetic, tried to be supportive and allowed her to do what she wanted, he knows Diane hates to feel controlled or forced into anything. He knows if he had tried to be sympathetic, caring, he would have shown himself, he might have shown his true feelings and scared her off again, he had never wanted to loose her, never wanted her to run.  
  
"Ric, are you going to that emergency or not?" Chrissie's voice cuts into his thoughts, deterring him away from them and sends him back to the job; he has to go, no more putting it back. Anyway, he thinks to himself, it will be okay, she'll be there and as long as she's there, he can handle anything.  
  
He doesn't waste any more time, he simply nods towards Chrissie, grabs his bag and jogs out of the ward out into the car park. During the night it's so calm, so cold and yet so comforting. He knows he can't waste time, someone could be dying right now because of his unhelpful thinking, she could be waiting for him just trying to save the victim, she would blame herself again if the patient died, it's the way Diane works.  
  
~*~ At the approach of headlights she looks up again, just another passing car, each time she hopes it to be him and her heart starts racing again, so much that she can't concentrate on the patient. She can't loose this one, she knows she will never forgive herself, but he won't leave her mind, won't leave her in peace. She hears a car pull up beside her and looks up again as he steps out, his sunglasses on, despite there being no sun. He grins at her encouragingly and she feels her heart starting too flutter, like butterflies soaring around inside of her. Hadn't he always called her his butterfly?  
  
He kneels beside her, rubbing his hand along her face, his own bathed in the moonlight, softly glowing.  
  
"Have you been crying?" She pulls herself away from him and turns back to the victim, how does he know her so well, she can't seem to hide herself away from him, despite her constant attempts.  
  
"So. what do we have here?" He knows it's best to change the subject, get onto trying to save the patients life and not sort out his own. She had always tried to hide herself away from him, why did he think she would tell her, he just wishes she would open up, just for once.  
  
"Female, aged 30, trapped in the back seat, multiple head injuries, low blood pressure and may need to amputate the arm, it seems jammed"  
  
He nods and leans closer to the victim, surveying the arm that lies trapped under the chair in front, her face still creased with pain. He takes a syringe from the case and hands it over to Diane while he still continues to survey the arm; he can't help but see her looking at her every so often, maybe the feeling is mutual.  
  
~*~ Kath rolls over in bed, staring into Zubin's eyes, each time seeing another emotion surging into them, disappearing in the amazingly brown core. She still can't believe it, she really is with him, and she has fallen in love again no matter how much she tried to stop herself. She knows that he loves her, she can just tell when she hugs him, she loves him so much that she feels she can never let him go when she holds him, never wants to let go. She knows she doesn't even have to feel guilty any more, Terry would be happy for her, and she's free from Simon, free from any hurt or pain in the world. He rolls over and faces her, grinning gently and stroking her face, she feels the insides of her flying around, she's on cloud nine, just like a young teenager in love again, and she never wants to come down.  
  
"What are you still doing awake?"  
  
"Just thinking, and waiting for you to go to sleep"  
  
"Thinking of what?"  
  
"If I told you, I'd have to kill you!" He rolls over and kisses her gently on the lips, causing her insides to do summersaults once again, she couldn't ever imagine being loved this much, until he came into her life.  
  
"I love you"  
  
"I love you too Zubin" The words just tumble out of her mouth; she means them so much that they come so easily, almost instantly. She isn't afraid of saying it any more. She had always been too scared to love someone, not now, love isn't being thrown across the room any more, love is the deep compassion that Zubin shows for her, day by day, night by night. She feels herself drifting off to sleep, with his arm still around her, she feels his body moving beside hers and she feels safe and warm, at last.  
  
~*~ Diane stands beside the road, running her hands through her hair, what had she done wrong this time, why does every patient have to die when she is there? Maybe she isn't a good surgeon, its obvious she isn't. She feels him coming up beside her, she doesn't want him to see her crying, never wants him to know the truth. Somewhere deep inside of her she wants him to see her cry, wants him to come close to her, comfort her.  
  
"Diane, there is nothing we could have done, you know that don't you?" She turns around to face him, the tears glistening in the moonlight and he sighs, he finally knows that she's ready to tell him, ready to open up, maybe.  
  
"We could have done more, if I had come sooner..."  
  
"I thought we were over this Diane, the fact is you didn't come sooner and you didn't save her, but it doesn't ever stop you being good at your job, because you are" He lifts her face up to face his, pouring into her brilliantly blue eyes, he hopes the love for her doesn't show through, its not the time she should be finding out. He knows that some day she needs to know, maybe she already does and just doesn't want him to, so she pretends he doesn't. She had loved him once, why can't she love him again, it seems so ridiculous but maybe she does love him.  
  
"We had best be getting home"  
  
"Yeah" But neither of them move, they stand gazing into each others eyes, captured by the moment, she can see he loves her, now even stronger than ever. She leans closer to him, their lips touch and she feels the life coming back into her, almost instantly. She doesn't want to leave him and yet she doesn't want him to know how she feels, she suddenly becomes afraid again, afraid it will all fail and hurt her again. She pulls away and runs into her car, thoughts and emotions fleeting through her mind, she fumbles with her keys trying desperately to get them in the ignition until she feels him beside her again, taking her hand away from the ignition.  
  
"Diane, you need to open up one time, some day, you can't keep on at your butterfly antics forever. Why can't you just talk to me?" She wants to talk to him, she knows she does and yet how can she tell him she loves him and has done for as long as she can remember. How can she tell him that she's simply too afraid of it all? She doesn't want to tell him, but something deep inside of her tells her she has to, to get it all out of her at last.  
  
"I guess I'm just afraid okay?" That's it, she's said it and there is no turning back now, she's not afraid of it all coming out, maybe she needs to tell him, maybe he needs to know the truth.  
  
"Afraid of what, Diane, what could you possibly afraid of?" She simply just lowers her head; she no longer feels she can tell him, tell him the truth that has been building up inside of her for so long now. He strokes her face gently in the moonlight, just as he had previously, but this time, he doesn't pull it away, he continues to stroke her face tenderly.  
  
"Ric, I."  
  
"Diane, don't. you don't have to tell me, if you don't want too, it would just be easier." She pulls away from him; taking his hand in her own, how can he read her so well, how can he always know exactly what to say?  
  
"I want to, I just don't know how, I've wanted to tell you for so long Ric, I'm afraid of getting hurt but I can't help myself"  
  
"Help yourself from what?"  
  
"Oh Ric, don't play dumb with me, I saw how jealous you were with Tom and Steve, don't pretend. Ric... what I'm trying to say is, I love you." She feels the relief spreading through her, that's it, it has finally been said and its out in the open. She doesn't know quite how she managed to say it, or even why she said it, but she knows that it helped her, and it's something she had to say, or she would regret it forever. Ric sits silently, just staring into those blue eyes, so full of hurt and loss, she really does love him. How could he have ever believed that they could never be together again, he can almost laugh, almost cry, he's so full of happiness, she loves him! He leans forward, forgetting about everything and kisses her tenderly on the lips. This time there is no regret, no turning their backs on their love, there's no escaping the love they feel inside for each other.  
  
As soon as she felt his gentle lips touch her own, its better than her dream could ever have been, better than she could ever have imagined. She knows she can't stay like this forever, but she wants to stay in his arms for an eternity, she loves him so much and she can feel it in him, stronger than it ever has been.  
  
~*~ Anita sits back in her bedroom, taking it out of the packet; she doesn't want to take the test, just wants it to all be over and done with. She doesn't want children, not when her future is just looking up for her, its something she doesn't need, or doesn't ever want. How will she tell Tom, should she tell Tom? So many doubts and questions are rushing through her mind and she doesn't even know for sure yet. It's too early in the morning to ask him to be with her, to be by her side, and yet she feels she needs him there with her, to hold her hand and tell her it will be okay. It's something neither of them had expected, something so unplanned that it seems impossible and yet she's quite sure it's the truth, she's pregnant. She has been putting it off for days now, even though she was worried that it could be what it is, how can it be, she can't be pregnant. No matter how much she tries to convince herself she isn't, there is no other explanation for it all, it scares her so much that she want to go to America now, just to run. She's always looked so secure, so why can't she be now, when finally it's something serious, she knows the answer to that instantly, it's all a façade, most of the time she is strong, but commitment scares her as much as it does Tom. She had shouted at him for not being able to commit, for being scared, and yet she knows that all people get scared sometimes, even her. She knows she will have to go and see him, tell him how she feels, but will he really want to talk to her so early in the morning? She knows he would, and even if he doesn't want to he will have to, she doesn't want to go through it all alone. She picks up the phone, not knowing whether to ring him or not, but in the end she slowly dials the number.  
  
~*~ Tom rolls out of bed and searches around for the phone, his hair sticking up slightly more than normal. Who could possibly be phoning him at this time? He doesn't have the chance to ponder the question because as soon as he answers it he recognises her voice, Anita.  
  
"Tom, hi!"  
  
"I know I'm irresistible but seriously Anita, at 1 o clock in the morning?"  
  
"Tom, look, will you just listen to me for just a few minutes?" He stops laughing and his face becomes a mask of pure seriousness, it has to be something important, why else would she be phoning him so early.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"Look, no need to sound so worried, its nothing really, sorry I bothered you" She quickly rushes the words and the line goes dead.  
  
He sighs as he puts down the phone, there is something definitely wrong, and she doesn't even sound right, had she been crying? He doesn't worry about the time, he slips on his clothes and rushes out of the door, if something is wrong then it can't wait until the morning. Anita wouldn't just wake him for the fun of it, it's not like her to sound that worried, she's usually so strong, so in control. But right then, to him she didn't sound it, she sounded so sad, so upset and yet so distraught, a way he had thought she couldn't be, but of course, she is, after all, only human. He gets into his car without any consideration for the time and puts on the radio; he needs to clear his head of it all.  
  
I won't hurt you  
  
I'll protect you  
  
I won't let the rain fall down  
  
I'll always be around That's for sure, he wants to protect her from everything, never wants to hurt her, but either way he puts it she's leaving him, probably for ever. He only sees one option looming ahead for him, to push his career aside and go with her, and however crazy and spontaneous it sounds, its something he has to do. He knows he only has a matter of days to leave and go with her, only a couple of days to tell her how he really feels and yet he knows he can do it, he can go with her, if only charged by the power of love, the strongest power in the universe.  
  
~*~ Chrissie stands in Darwin, she can't believe her ears, surely it's not true, her mother and her husband, it seems so unreal, so unlike Owen. It's not unlike her mother though; Owen had done it with her why couldn't he with her mother? It still seems like a terrible nightmare that she will soon wake up to, why is her mother telling her this, now, of all days, and of all nights?  
  
"Mum, why are you telling me this?"  
  
"Because I don't want to hurt you Chrissie!"  
  
"Hurt me? HURTME? That's rich coming for you, your whole goal in life is to hurt me, if you didn't want to hurt me why do it in the first place?" She knows she's not overreacting; she's being as rational as she can be, as rational as anyone who's just found out that there mother is fooling around with her husband, would be.   
  
"Oh Chrissie, it's not like that and you know it!"   
  
"Oh isn't it? Because that's how it looks from where I'm standing!" She turns to leave the ward just as Owen enters it, she can't even look at him, can't even stand to be in the room with both of them knowing that they had been 'together'. She had just begun to realise she wanted Owen, she had confided in her mother and then she had said it, told her there was no hope because her and Owen had slept together. Why did she have to tell her now? She had never done anything in the whole world to hurt her mother, and yet her mother was always setting out to hurt her, intentionally.  
  
"Chrissie, where are you going?" He asks her gently, with a deep note of concern in his voice, maybe he does care about her too, but its all forgotten now, after what he has done to her.  
  
"Home, to pack!"  
  
"Where will you go at half past one in the morning?" Tricia asked her, trying to boss her around as usual, or that's the way Chrissie sees it.  
  
"I'll find somewhere, its not like you're really bothered anyways, you're the one that slept with my husband!" She sounds so evil saying it, but it has to be said, it's the truth and any real mother wouldn't have done it, ever.  
  
""Keep your voice down both of you, will you? Chrissie, don't be ridiculous, you have no where to go!" He says gently, rubbing her arm but she pulls away quickly.  
  
"Ridiculous am I? Don't you tell me what to do, you of all people!" She doesn't wait around to listen to their response; she has to leave before they will be able to. She can hear them following her but she doesn't care, she's going and there is nothing any of them can do to stop her, ever. She doesn't even know where she can go, home is the best bet but after she has packed there is no where to go, no one to run to. She can't even think of one person to run to, she just knows that she has to run, somewhere, anywhere.   
  
She turns on the radio in the car, she can't stand the silence, it agitates her and makes her think more than normal. She can't even listen to the radio without him coming into her mind.   
  
And baby I will understand if sometimes  
  
you just want to spread your wings and fly  
  
and let your colours shine  
  
She does want to just fly away, fly so far away that Ed, Owen, Tricia and baby Amanda will be so far away from her. How can she live her life just wondering about Amanda, what her first word would have been, what her job would be, could she sing? She knows there is no point thinking of it all, and with the tears streaming down her face it's making it harder to see, she has to concentrate on the road, she isn't ready to join Amanda, not just yet. She arrives outside the flat and sighs with relief, no one else is there yet, she has the chance to pack and get away, make a clean break and quickly. She doesn't think for one second that's she is overreacting, there is nothing left here for her at Holby, it's finally time to move on with her life, nurses are needed everywhere.  
  
~*~ Zubin smiles as he turns to face Kath, sleeping peacefully at his side, she's real and she's his, it's like some amazing dream that he never wants to wake from, ever. How could he never have loved this woman, how come he never met her sooner, why did she ever marry Simon when she could have been with him, happy? He gets up and crosses the room, he's so awake from her love that he can't sleep, doesn't want to sleep unless he wakes up and she's not beside him and he's back to his lonely life. He puts on the Radio silently, he doesn't know what else to do, he would love to go upstairs and just watch her sleep, but he doesn't want to disturb her in any way, never wants to upset her.  
  
And everyday I wanna be a risk you take  
  
make a promise that will never break for life  
  
She's the only risk he has ever taken in life, and now he feels he can always take risks because the one he took means so much to him that it seems almost unreal. She is the only risk he feels he will ever make, but the one that was worth it, a million times over. As much as he wants to sit there all night, he knows he will have to make his way back to bedroom, she will wonder why he's not next to her in the morning, and he has to be awake for surgery. ~*~ Diane sits back and looks at him, his face still glowing in the light, this time that of the sunrise. He puts his arm around her gently, knowing that she must be cold. What else can she possibly ask for in life, she has him and now, nothing else matters? "When was the last time we sat up all night, just talking?" She doesn't even need to think about the answer for his question, it's obvious; they had never really opened up before, not on the level of tonight.  
  
"Never" He pulls her closer, knowing it's the truth and hands her back her keys, not sure whether to stay in the car, or go back to his own.  
  
"It's been a long night" He finally mutters, knowing that maybe that will show her that he needs to know where to go from here, she's always been so hard to read, that's what he loves about her.  
  
"Yeah it has, but, you know, the nights not over yet!" She giggles as she puts the keys into the ignition; he just stares at her, the look of love showing in his eyes once again. How had he ever let her go, how could he have let her just leave him without a simple explanation when she means the world to him?  
  
~*~ Tom looks over to Anita, still alive with anticipation, he's not sure if he wants kids yet but it's not all about him, for once, its all about Anita, the woman he loves.  
  
"Whatever you want Anita, I'm not forcing you into anything, it's your decision." She doesn't want to tell him that it's a joint decision, by him saying it, it makes her feel that he isn't a part of it, that she's all alone. She knows that he will stand by her, come what may, but right now, it seems hardly believable, not even he can make her feel any better about the situation and so she knows, she shouldn't have the child. She knows it's about time to look at the test, but she doesn't want to, she doesn't want to confirm what she never wanted to happen, ever. They both look at each other and then down onto the test as she checks it, her eyes fill with tears as she hands it over to Tom.  
  
"Oh no, Blue!" She whispers, all the emotion building inside of her, all the tears gathering in her huge blue eyes.  
  
"Anita, it's going to be okay, I promise you?" But the word's don't sink in, don't quite reach her brain, it won't be okay, how can it be? She doesn't even consider him staying with her, why would he want to, it's obvious he really loves Diane, why had she been so stupid as to trust him in the first place. She can't bring herself to think its over between them, it's not, and she knows its not, not for good. But for now, there is no way she can stay here, she's almost grateful that she's leaving for America tomorrow, no time to say goodbye, no time to stop herself from going out of an act of love.  
  
~*~ Diane brushes her hair gently away from her face in front of the bathroom mirror, seeing her reflection, she smiles. She's so much stronger now, she can see it, but she can also see the love for Ric bubbling up inside her eyes so that she can't even see the pain any more, the pain left behind from Steve, from all of her past, from it all. She walks out into the bedroom, hoping to finally get some sleep, if only for a few measly hours. But this time it's all different, she's not dreaming to be beside him, she's not longing to see him because this time, she's not alone, he really is lying right next to her. He's asleep and she knows it instantly but the simple fact doesn't bother her, she just rests her head gently on his chest.  
  
"I love you Ric" Just saying the words really is her dream come true, the one and only thought left running through her mind, just how much she really loves him.  
  
~*~ Chrissie arrives at the platform just as the train arrives and sits at the back, alone in a carriage of solitude. She watches the rain slowly beginning to splash at the windows as the scenery gets greener by the second and the thickness of the trees becomes increasingly large. The tears trickle down her cheeks, almost unnoticed by her, she can't even think straight any more, the life she had spent so long building for herself has finally fell down. She had spent many nights, many hurtful conversations getting her life back on track, and for what? Just to get hurt again, juts to have it fall down so fast that she doesn't even realise its happening until it gets so scary she can't even live with herself anymore. She didn't realise it would be like this, she had been all set for life with Owen and her baby, and nothing else mattered and now, now its all left in ruins around her.  
  
"I'm sorry" She mutters gently, she knows that no one can hear her, that no one can even understand how she feels anymore, and that if they could hear her, it wouldn't make a difference any more, but it doesn't stop her from wanting to say it, a million times over if she can.  
  
She never wanted it to end, the life she had with Owen, she expected her to be able to have her fun and he would stick by her, stand with her, why had she been so stupid to believe that? There's no fooling herself anymore, it truly is over, Owen has moved on, onto her own mother. She can't even begin to imagine what was going through their minds, how could they have done this to her, to their relationships with her? She knows that maybe she's just being a hypocrite, after all she had slept with Ed, but Ed hadn't been Owen's father, there isn't the same loyalty there. She reverts her gaze to a little ahead of them, the train looks a little too close to the other, no, they know what they are doing, don't they? It's at the moment of impact that she realises that she will never see them all again, it's all over, they don't know what they were doing. She feels her stomach lurch inside of her, and her tears coming out ever more strongly, and yet she feels the pain stabbing through her like a knife, or something as sharp as one. Despite it all, she feels relief spreading through her, it will finally all be over, all the doubts of tomorrow will have left her.  
  
"Mummy's coming Amanda"  
  
~*~ Owen stands at the station, bewildered of where to go now, he's sure she got the train, she had said she would and her train would be leaving at 2:00am. He looks up at the clock on the wall 2:15, she can't have left him; she can't have gone and let him go, again. Then he hears it, slicing through him like nothing he has ever felt in him before.  
  
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we regret to inform you that the 2:00am train to London has crashed, emergency services are on there way, but, as would seem, all trains will be cancelled until tomorrow afternoon at the earliest, thank you." He doesn't understand it, it can't be her, not her train, if it is what if she doesn't survive, he will never have the chance to say he's sorry, never have the chance to try and explain it all to her.  
  
How could he have let her go when she was still angry, without having the chance to try and explain, to make it all right again? If she got on that train, and is lying dead somewhere now, its all his fault and he knows it, he drove her to going, all because of a few stupid mistakes with Tricia, that's all they were, mistakes. Mistakes that he now regrets so much, but there is nothing he can do to undo it, to take back everything. He knows he can't no matter how much he wants to and no matter how much he loves her, if she's dead, there is nothing he can do, and it hurts him to think of it, she could be dead.  
  
~*~ Ric begins to stir as he feels Diane moving around beside him and he grins slightly, sitting up and staring at her. She always was a fidgety sleeper, can never stay still no matter what you do, but he doesn't mind, he would rather be awake sitting next to her, its better than any dream. She looks up at him through frightened eyes, eyes that show the pain and hurt once again, finally, she has to ask him one thing.  
  
"Ric, promise me you won't leave me again, no matter what I do, just promise me, I have to hear you say it." He hears the slight panic in her voice and strokes her hair softly; he wouldn't let her leave him, not for all the money in the world.  
  
"Diane, you can kick and scream, hit me over the head, but I'm not letting go, not now, not ever. We've come to far just to throw it all away; you and I both know that" She smiles and sits up, snuggling herself up close to him, feeling all the love radiating out of him once again. She loves him, and he knows it, he loves her, and she knows it, and right at that moment, nothing can shatter the happiness and the love they hold inside for one another. She is reminded of the song once again, a song that now means so much to the both of them, a song they had previously danced to at the road side. Just one verse still remains wholly in her mind; one verse means so much to her and holds her every feeling for Ric, the love she feels inside.  
  
I won't forget you  
  
or neglect you  
  
won't let no-one take your place  
  
in your eyes I see my face Not only in his eyes does she see her face, but the sun, the stars and the moon, all inside those lovingly brown eyes. All the secrets of the world locked inside his eyes, just waiting to reveal themselves, but most importantly, she sees love inside them, every time she looks at him, and every time he looks at her.  
  
~*~ Kath flutters open her eyes gently as Zubin enters the room, his eyes wide open and a smile spread over his face, lighting up his eyes. He sits gently beside her and they are lost in each other for a few moments, a few moments that could last forever, a few moments that mean so much to the both of them. "You do know, Kath, that I will never, ever, hurt you?" His question seems completely out of the blue, and yet she knows that he just wants to be sure.  
  
"I know, but being a nurse, I'm used to heart break Zubin, you don't need to protect me" He leans over her, just staring into those eyes once again, finding himself lost in her emotions, anger, pain, hurt, but the strongest still inside them, the one that shines through the strongest, is love.  
  
"And I am a surgeon Kath; I'm used to fixing them." He leans forward and kisses her, and she knows that he really means it, he's never going to leave her side, no matter what, and through it all, he really loves her more than anything in the whole world. She knows that everything she does, everything she says just portrays her love for him, she never wanted to love again, each time she just gets hurt, but she's way too far now to take it all back, she will risk being hurt, for him. After all, what's love without risks, what's life without its fair share of ups and downs? This, this is her never-ending up.  
  
She sees no end to their love, eternal almost, and she sees no end to this happiness it was meant to be and she knows that Zubin really is, her one and only soul mate. It has taken her so long to find him, but now she has he really was worth the wait, worth all the pain. She loves him more that life itself and she can't imagine living without him, and she knows that he feels the very same, he tells her day after day.  
  
~*~ Anita stands at the airport, just in time for her early morning flight. This time there is no turning back on it all, no telling herself she isn't going, she is and no one, but no one, will stop her. She hears his voice over the crowd, shouting his last feeble attempts of stopping her going at her.  
  
"Anita, WAIT! I love you, I'll come with you if I have to" She feels his hand on her shoulder, but she doesn't look back, doesn't even stop for him, she can't go back; she's come too far just for him to stop her. She will make it on her own, she knows she can if she can just convince herself, tell herself that it will all be okay, in the end. She feels his hand slip away as she goes through the departure gates and a woman behind him telling Tom to keep away.  
  
"Sorry Sir you can't go through there"  
  
He sits back on the chairs, his mind going on overdrive, that's it, she's left him and there is no getting her back. He had tried to tell himself she wouldn't go, that she would stay with him, stay at Holby and they would have their child, that it would all be okay. Of course it will be okay, because he's going after her; no one can stop him getting his love back. Just as he's thinking over his idea he feels his pager going, an emergency, he takes one more sorrowful glance towards the gates before running off into the crowd, back to Holby.  
  
She walks out of the departure gates, how could she be stupid enough to think she could go alone, leaving him behind. She scans her eyes over the airport, where is he, why isn't he here? If he really loved her wouldn't he have waited, maybe he thought she would never come back and just left. She knows there is only one place she can go, to his house to see him, its not all over, it never will be. Maybe she isn't sure about the baby, but it will all be okay. She had boarded the plane, sure that she could make it through and yet just as she was sitting down she heard his voice inside her head and she just wanted to run back to him to tell him she loves him and that she'll never leave him. She knows she's strong, in control, and that she has it all in hand but the one thing that she can't handle is love, the one emotion that takes over all others. Whatever she decides to do about the baby, she knows, that he will stand by her, she won't have to go it all alone, he is just happy with whatever she says. She walks out into the car park where she finds a taxi, she gets inside it smiling, will he be shocked to see her?  
  
~*~ Tom arrives at the station as he sees Owen being held back by some officers, its then he hears the explosion, slowly erupting down the train just half a mile ahead. He sees the panic in Owen's eyes, the tears streaming down his cheeks, and he knows instantly what it is, Chrissie was somewhere on that train. He suddenly feels sick inside, like he can't do it anymore but he knows he has to, if she's alive then he could be her only chance of survival, and so he jumps down onto the tracks, following the paramedics. He gets to the back carriage and sees her inside it immediately, the wet tears still clinging to her face, as if in an act of survival. Her face itself seems confused, hurt and yet relieved all at once and he feels the tears welling in his eyes, stinging them and obscuring his vision. He doesn't want to leave the spot, never wants to leave her, Chrissie was his friend, someone he works alongside, and yet he knows that its over, she's gone and there is nothing he can do, nothing anyone can do anymore. He has to move on, there are people on the train who need him, people still alive that he can save, even if he can't save Chrissie. He feels a paramedic pulling him aside but he still can't move, he's still transfixed by Chrissie, it can't be true, she isn't dead.  
  
"Mr. Campbell-Gore, glad you made it, your needed further up the train on the first carriage so if you could please make your way up there, sir" He turns his head for a second and realizes that he HAS to go, there are lives that need saving and he can't be selfish any longer. He doesn't think once about Anita as he is rushing around, looking through carriage windows at the attempt of finding someone alive, he can't think of her or else he sees her in a plane crash and he feels the lump inside his throat growing. At this time in the morning, there are more passengers than normal, meaning more deaths, more people scarred for life. He finally reaches the carriage that he was meant to be at, seeing the survivor looking up at him from beneath some rubble. He jumps down beside her and begins talking to her, almost forgetting all about Chrissie, all about Anita.  
  
~*~ She stands outside his house, just ringing the doorbell, when he doesn't answer she slips the key into the lock and walks inside, just hoping he hasn't done anything stupid. He won't have done, he had never loved her enough to kill himself, but he could be out right now, turning back to the bottle. She feels the guilt rising inside of her, if he has gone back to drink, it's her fault, and it's her responsibility to stop him again. She sits down on the sofa after taking some crisps out of his packet and turning on the TV, she sits in front of it, just watching the images flick past her, not really noticing what is really going on. She knows he's probably at work, he always is, but why would he be at work at this time in the morning, it seems almost impossible that, that's where he is. She sits herself further back in the chair, feeling exhaustion flowing through her, she's tired and she knows it, and she can't even think of the baby or Tom any longer.  
  
She feels herself drifting off into sweet dreams, dreams where she no longer has the trouble of being pregnant, and all she needs in the world is Tom and his love. She knows that her life will never be like that, she is pregnant and Tom is still no where to be seen, no where he should be at this hour. She never wants to wake up, never wants to see reality as it is, a harsh cruel world where nothing goes her way, America had been a great opportunity, an opportunity she wasted because of love, is love really worth that much? She knows the answer instantly, love is worth anything, no matter how strong she is she has learned to love, learned that he will be beside her and got used to him being there, she can't leave him, not now, she depends on him too much.  
  
~*~ Kath lifts her head off the pillow and surveys him, sleeping at last, finally, and she knows that she loves him, still. She can't help herself from always thinking through the love, as if, if she takes her mind off it for one second it will all fade away, again. The love had really been there, with Simon and with Terry, but its different this time, the love is deeper, more sensual than ever before. She loves him so much and she can feel it inside her, every time she looks at him her insides whirl and she can't help but smile. She knows she sounds like a school girl, but that's how he makes her feel, so young again that she can't even believe it. How can she love one man so much, she had loved Terry so much that she would incriminate herself for him, but she feels it so much stronger for Zubin? She never wanted to fall in love again, she was afraid of getting hurt, Simon hurt her, Terry hurt her, every man she has ever had hurt her, and yet, Zubin's different.  
  
"I love you" She whispers again, she doesn't want to stop telling him, if she could tell him every second of the day she would, just incase something happens to him and she hasn't said it. She knows that he knows it, and maybe she says it too much but she thinks he understands, understands that she feels she has to, no matter what. She hears the phone ringing from downstairs but she ignores it, feeling too tired to even move, she'll listen for who it is first.  
  
"Sorry, we aren't here to take your call right now, if you'll leave your name and telephone number we'll try to get back to you!"  
  
"Hi, Kath, it's Tom, I was just phoning to tell you something. I'll try again when it's of a more reasonable time, just ring me when you get the message if I haven't already called, okay, bye!" She groans and rolls over, it's not important if it can wait until the morning, and she has no energy any more to answer it.  
  
~*~ Owen stands at the platform, still expecting to see her running down it towards him, telling him she loves him. He knows he will probably never see her again, whether she is alive or dead, he has hurt her too much, and he doesn't deserve for her to see him again, ever. If seeing her again means she's alive he wants it more than anything in the whole world, even if he doesn't deserve her. She can shout at him, kick him, tell him she hates him, but at least she will be alive, and that's all he can ask for. He kneels down on the platform, doing something he hasn't done in so long that he's not even sure it will help any more, but all the same he knows its worth a chance, praying is all he can think of doing.  
  
"Please let her be okay, I know I haven't been faithful to her, or anything you ask of her, just please let her be okay, protect her. I'll do anything, just for her to be okay, to be back on the ward in a matter of weeks, please." He's not even sure anyone is listening to him, but he knows that whatever he just did helped him inside. He feels so selfish, feeling relieved inside doesn't help her, he's just being selfish again, as usual. He doesn't spend anymore time sitting around because just at that moment Tom comes flying around the corner, his eyes showing pain and hurt, but his face a mask of seriousness. The one thing that is still stopping him from grieving for her is his job, he has to be professional, and it's the only thing he's clinging onto to keep him from just falling. Owen jumps up and looks towards Tom, awaiting news, any news that will tell him if she is alive or not. Tom knows its best to try and be professional in the situation, but each time he does he ends up sounding heartless and stern, but if he lets it all go, he won't be able to regain it all.  
  
"Tom, have you heard anything. I don't want you to lie to me, just tell me the truth" It's the question he had hoped not to answer, how can he tell Owen the truth, its like confirming to himself that it's real.  
  
"Owen, I'm sorry" It hits Owen like nothing before, he feels the words sinking into him like a dagger, destroying every hope and dream inside of him, destroying him. She can't be dead, not really, there is no way in this world that anything could take Chrissie away from him, it's all too easy. He knows that something had already taken Chrissie away from him, Tricia, he regrets every moment spent with her, every conversation they have ever had.  
  
~*~ Ed sits up in bed, looking out through the window, he has the sudden feeling of loneliness, like something terrible has happened and yet he is quite certain that if something had, he would know about it. He still misses Amanda, no matter how much he tries to conceal it, the unknown is still there, had Amanda been his or is he holding onto something that wasn't even his daughter. He can't help but feel connected to her, still, he doesn't understand it but it's there, maybe Owen feels the same. How can one child mean so much to him?  
  
He had never met her, never held her, never even spoken to her and yet he still misses her. There is more than just the unknown out there, but the what if's, If Chrissie hadn't told him it could be his would he still feel like this? If Amanda would have lived would she have called him or Owen "daddy"?  
  
All the questions resound in his head and yet he knows, the answer will forever remain unknown. Amanda is gone, and there is no getting her back, no way of saying goodbye. He still feels he should have said goodbye, should have been at her funeral, some how, but common sense tells him that he couldn't have done either, Chrissie would have never have allowed it.  
  
He can still feel that sense of loss about him and he knows it's not Amanda, its just there, so faint, but undoubtedly there. He lies back down in bed, knowing that there is nothing he can do at this moment in time; whatever it is will still be there in the morning, he is sure of it.  
  
~*~ Tom enters his living room and almost jumps in shock, lying on his sofa is Anita. He can't believe it, but it is, somehow, her. He can't believe that she has come back to him, he had been sure that it would be the last time he would see her when he left her at the airport. He almost forgets about Chrissie in his happiness, nothing can bring him down, not now, he has her back and this time, he will never let go.  
  
He kneels beside her and strokes her hair out of her face, never has he seen her to be this beautiful before, ever. Whether she decides to keep the baby or not he will be happy with her, as long as she's with him he doesn't care. He pulls a blanket gently over her and kisses her forehead tenderly; this is more than he could ever ask for in life.  
  
"I love you" He leaves the room and shuts the door behind him, plunging the room into complete darkness.  
  
"I love you too" She whispers gently, she knows he can't hear her, but finally she has admitted that she loves him, and she isn't afraid to tell him anymore, not now, not ever. She feels herself drifting back off to sleep, and she knows that this time she will be able to sleep peacefully. He is fine, and she will wake up and see him in the morning, making tea, but most of all, he loves her, and that's the most important thing in the world to her. 


	2. part two, Imprints

Part 2, Imprints. He sits down on the bed, still unable to believe it, he prayed for her, he asked for her to be okay, so why isn't she? He can't understand it, surely she was meant to live forever, never meant to leave him. He hadn't wanted to leave her in such a state and all he wants to do is apologize, apologize for ever coming into her life, for everything he had ever done to her. He had never thought, for one moment, that he would ever have to say the final goodbye, that's what it would have been, goodbye forever. He knows that what one of the paramedics had told him was probably true "It was meant to be". How could she have meant to die? Why would anyone want Chrissie to die, not in his wildest of dreams can he imagine ever wanting for her to leave him. It's too late now, she has left him and there's no going back, sure, he can't say goodbye, he can't tell her he really loves her, but there's not anything he, or anyone else for that matter, can do. Chrissie had meant the world to him, probably more than that, the sun the moon and the stars too, and he can't see how he can live without her, not now. He had made it look like he didn't love her, of course he had, he had loved her more than anything and no pathetic, meaningless fling with Tricia is worth loosing her. He knows he could probably have lived with himself if she had just left him, sure he would have been angry, distraught, but he would never have felt this bad, he would never have had to feel the pain of loosing her, forever. Forever seems such a long time, even a few weeks is forever without her, and forever sounds painstakingly definite. She can't have left him, he knows that he's just going in circles but as soon as it begins to sink in he starts to doubt it all again, it just doesn't seem real, it probably never will. He just wants it all to be over, for the pain to stop and his heart to be un-broken; he can't stand to live alone, without the one and only good thing in his life gone. Sure, they hadn't particularly been together, but everyday he had been able to see her, and that had eased the pain, even if he couldn't hold her, couldn't kiss her. As much as he had wanted to, he had held back, she had made it sound so final when she had told him that it was over that he had decided it was best to keep away, how wrong could he have been? If only he could take it all back, every moment he had spent with Tricia, every word he had ever wasted upon her and give it all to Chrissie. He knows that, deep down inside, he had ever only been with Tricia because she had been part of Chrissie, the closest person to her and he didn't want to let go. Only having part of her made it easier, made the whole breakup easier to bear, and yet all the while he had known it was wrong, if only he could turn back the hands of time. Just to make it yesterday again, so that he can make it all right again, tell her he loves her, stop her from going, and yet he knows that he can't, no matter how much he dreams. Maybe if he had made it there a few minutes earlier, the few minutes he had spent arguing with Tricia, the few minutes that could have made all the difference. Had she thought of him when she died, had she thought of how much he hurt her, had she regretted every moment wasted upon him? "My tears could cause an inferno Chrissie, how could you leave me like this, alone in the world? How could someone take you from this world? I love you Chrissie, I really do, and I'm sorry. I'm really sorry" He feels himself loosing it again, breaking down into floods of unbroken tears, if only she could hold him now, take away every last tear and tell him that she loves him, that it will all be okay. Every night that he had spent with her flash before him at once, every night that he had held her close, every night she had said how much she loved him. If only she could come back, kiss the pain away and bring the joy back into his life, but he knows it's impossible, however cruel the world is without her. She had just walked out of his life a few hours ago, he still feels as if he will go back to work tomorrow and there she will be, on Darwin, smiling at him gently like she always had. That smile could bring joy to anyone's life, even the coldest heart was warmed by that loving smile, and now his heart will never be warmed, he will never see that smile again. Never seems another final word, a word he had never wanted to say "never say never" isn't that what parents always say? And yet, he's sure that he can say never this time, its true, he will never love again and he will never see her, as much as he wants to. He turns his gaze towards the window, and watches the rain running down the window pain, feeling his tears falling with the raindrops. If only she had heard him call out to her as she had boarded the pain, if only she had just heard those words "I love you", but if she had, would it have made a difference? He can't help but think how she must have felt, she must have felt so alone, scared even, wondering where everyone she loves was. When she was lying there, tired, scared and dying where had they all been? He knows the answer instantly, he had been arguing with Tricia and suddenly he can't even remember what it was about, it seems so un-important now. He can't ever imagine loving someone else, how can he ever love anyone as much as he did Chrissie, his life just ends without her? If only she could come and take it all away, all the pain and hurt, all the sorrow that lies inside of him now, she can't have gone, not really. If only she could be beside him now, telling him that she loves him, then nothing else would matter, he would never let her go, not in a million years. He can feel himself loosing it, once again, and he's sure that this time he will never recover; the tears will never cease to fall. He knows that he will never hold her now; he will never hear her say that she loves him; never get to tell her that he loves her. He doesn't even see a way out, any way of surviving without her by his side, just smiling at him, laughing gently, what he would give just to see her face, to hear her laugh. ~*~ He lies there in bed, alone at last, giving him time to think about it all, at last. Things that happened tonight he never wants to recall, and he can't even imagine just getting up and going to work as normal in the morning. It's not normal anymore, everything has changed, so much so that he can't even think of it all, he has Anita, Chrissie's died, it doesn't all sink in, not yet. As much as Chrissie dying hurts him, the hurt is overcome by the happiness that he is filled with knowing that he has Anita back, probably forever. He hasn't even spoken to her yet, but he's sure she wouldn't be here if she didn't love him back. He had been so afraid to tell her, so afraid to tell her and yet now he's said it, he is sure that he can say it again and again and will never be tired of saying it. However he looks at it, he has been given another chance, one last chance to tell her he loves her, one last chance to make it work, and that's what he intends to do, to make it work. He doesn't know why she came back exactly, when she had a whole future ahead of her, but he is mighty glad she did come back, that she did risk it all for love. Love is worth every risk in the world, and he knows it, love is worth anything, even death. Just thinking of love and death leads him onto thinking of Owen, how would he be feeling, would he do something stupid? He can't be sure that Owen won't do something stupid, since love is worth death but he knows that Owen is more logical than that, he isn't one to do crazy, spontaneous things just because of the loss of a loved one. He knows that it's not the end for anyone apart from Chrissie, and even she will remain in their hearts forever but for Anita and him, it's all about new beginnings and second chances. ~*~ Diane feels herself waking up again for the last time that morning, its 5:00am according to the clock that sits beeping on the cabernet beside her, time to finally get up. She doesn't want to look beside her incase he isn't there, in case it was another of her unlikely dreams, dreams that seemed so real. She knows she has to and she feels relief spread through her when she turns to see him staring at her gently with those loving eyes. "No regrets?" She asks him, she has to, she still doesn't believe that its real, it can't be, he can't really love her. "Why would there be any regrets? I love you" Just hearing the words she throws her arms around him, falling down onto the bed, she can't help but want to hold him as he says those words, wants to kiss him, never to leave his side in case she finds out he isn't there any more. "As long as you're sure, Ric." "I've always been sure Diane, as long as your happy and I love you, nothing else matters in the world to me, you know that. I never stopped loving you either, never." She can't take it all in, all she can do is hold him tight, breathing into his top, she doesn't ever want to move, not again but she knows that at some point she will have to. She doesn't know what to say to him, she wants to return it and yet she can't find the words inside of her to say it, she can't just assume he knows, life isn't worth living just based on assumptions. "We had best get to work" She mutters, she can't think of anything else to say and yet she knows she doesn't want to go, she wants to be with him how she is now, for eternity. Eternity seems like forever and yet forever isn't even long enough for her, not now. "No we don't, we can say we were... tired" He laughs as the words tumble out as he draws closer to her once more, she can't believe it, here she is with him, again, and its not a dream, its real. "You have an answer for everything don't you?" She laughs and strokes his hair affectionately. "Would you love me any other way?" "Nope" She giggles, drawing him in for a kiss, the best she feels that she has ever had, she doesn't want to leave him, she suddenly forgets about work, forgets about everything apart from him. ~*~ Owen sits down on the chair, looking around the bedroom, he knows he will never forget her, however much time passes, whatever happens. He wants to look over to the bed and see her lying there, sleeping peacefully but he knows he won't ever see her lying in his bed again, not even in his dreams. He feels himself letting go, he can't even remember what she looks like anymore, can't picture her in his mind and he suddenly feels so guilty. How can he forget her so quickly, the one and only love of his life, he knows he's being stupid, his mind is too confused to be thinking right now, but it doesn't ease the pain at all. He knows that he will probably never get over her, not for a long time from now, and he will always long for her to be beside him, no matter what. Maybe he won't always feel as bad as he does now, maybe the pain really does begin to subside as time goes by, but right at this moment, the thought means nothing to him, doesn't even quite register in his mind. He hopes that he never will forget her, but somewhere deep inside of him he wants to forget her so that the pain can finally be over, so that his life can get back to normal. He feels selfish just thinking it, he doesn't want to forget her, it's just the easy way out of something so hard to bear and yet he knows he has to make it through, no matter what. He can feel himself slipping back into the past, into distant memories, distant memories containing her, nothing but him and her, always. It's like she had always told him, she would love him 'always and forever, no matter what' did she think she would then, or did she still love him up until the day she died, this very morning? He had promised her that he would never leave her, never let her get hurt and yet he knows he's broken his promise, something he hoped he would never do, she's gone and she had been hurt, too many times by him. He can remember swinging her round in his arms, holding her close, kissing her tenderly, all the memories flashing so fast before him that he can't hold onto them, not one of them as much as he wants too. He still can't understand why she has been taken from him, ripped from the world so unceremoniously that he can't even think about it, she's gone, that's it, the end. Maybe even the end for him, he can't see any way that he can go on and yet he doesn't want to join her, yet, he doesn't want to die. How can you not want to live, but not want to live? He knows he has to decide between one or the other but right now, he's happy to be in the middle, living but so close to wanting to die. "I miss you already Chrissie, I will never stop loving you, as long as I live I'll never forget you. You lit up my word and made each day worth living, made life worth fighting for, I love you so much, why did you have to leave me?" He whispers, he knows she can't hear him, he probably doesn't want her to hear him and yet he's glad he said it, he said it for a reason, whether it makes sense or not. He wants to tell her all these things and yet, he knows, that if she was still alive he wouldn't ever have told her, probably not anyways. ~*~ Ed walks onto the ward, something's definitely different and he notices it at once, Chrissie isn't there at the nurse's station, on the ward, anywhere. He finally realizes that the gut feeling he had, had the feeling of loss that had spread over him, had something to do with Chrissie, he's sure of it. Wherever she is, he's sure that there is something wrong, something terribly wrong. He knows that whatever has happened, there is nothing he can do, nothing he can say, as much as he wants too. He's been fighting the urge for so long to tell her he loves her, to tell her that they could work out, even with all the aggravation over Amanda, maybe the time has run out, maybe he will never get to tell her. As much as he wanted to take her in his arms, pronounce his love for her, he knows that deep down inside she still loves Owen, and no matter what has happened to her, she forever will. He hears a door close behind him, causing him to drift out of his thoughts and snap back to reality, he turns around at the sound of approaching footsteps. "Tom!" "Ed, please, sit down" Tom whispers gently, motioning towards the chair that Ed had previously jumped out of, the tears begin to raise in his eyes again, he doesn't think he can go through the ordeal with Ed, not now. He knows that Ed had been close to Chrissie, which makes it so much harder to say; just finding the words hurts him. "Ed, its Chrissie, she. she. she died in a train crash last night" Ed falls into his hands, no tears escaping his eyes yet, he can't break down, he has to be strong, now more than ever. Tom walks beside him, placing his hand on his shoulder, he isn't sure what to say, how Ed even feels about it all, maybe it will bother him more than most, but maybe it won't. He doesn't waste any time standing around, feeling its best to leave; he walks back out of the ward and into the café, where he sits pondering over a cup of coffee. He's not sure if he should go up, talk to Ed, and yet he knows it's probably best left alone, for now anyways. It will never be the same without Chrissie around and he knows it, she changed the ward slightly, made everything seem so different and to someone like Ed or Owen that loved her so dearly it will seem even more different, so empty. He knows the feeling of Empty too well, he had felt it, if only for a few hours, when Anita had left him, it had been a feeling that took over all others and would play on your mind forever, never giving up. He can't see how Owen will go on, and Ed will probably be feeling the same thing, even if they hadn't been so close, he had seen the way that Ed had looked at Chrissie, it was a look of longing, a look of sheer adoration. There was no denying it that deep down inside, Ed had loved Chrissie, no matter how much he had said otherwise, no matter how much he had tried to hide it. He had never talked to Ed about it, it wasn't something they ever did, maybe Ed would have admitted it before it was too late if he had said something to him, but there is no use dwelling in what should have been said, he knows that well enough. He hears the scraping of a chair and looks up to see Ed falling down onto the chair in front of him, tear tracks running down his face, something gripped inside his trembling fingers. Tom looks towards him sympathetically, not quite sure what to say, this is Anita's kind of thing, not his, however he knows he has to help out his friend, no matter what. "Ed, I'm... I'm so sorry; I don't know what else to say." He mumbles, he isn't yet quite sure what else to say, not even sure that Sorry can help someone who has lost someone, he knows it probably wouldn't have helped him. "Sorry doesn't help much Tom, if only I had told her. but being able to talk... helps." "The fact still remains that you didn't tell her, and maybe it was meant to be that you didn't tell her, things like this just don't happen. If you want to take the day off, I do understand, I know she meant a lot to you, and we may be busy, but you have the right to go home" He knows that he has to let Ed go home, there is no point in allowing him to stay at work, not when he has lost someone that he had loved so much, not with the regrets that he knows are filling Ed's mind. ~*~ Kath looks across to him, thinking to herself how happy she is and how it's still true, he is still beside her, sleeping peacefully. She has almost forgotten about the message that had been left on her phone last night until she sees it blinking as she enters the living room. She remembers the urgency that had been in Tom's voice and decides to call him back, not wishing to replay the message itself. It's not like Tom to sound that urgent and so she finds herself wondering why she didn't answer it last night, its bound to be important. She feels the anticipation building inside of her as she listens to it slowly ringing, whatever it is, it's got to be bad news. Somewhere deep inside of her she doesn't want to phone him, doesn't want to hear whatever he has to say because she knows that it will shatter the happiness in her life, something always does. "Hello?" "You wanted me to call you, sorry I've only just got up." "Kath, listen, are you sitting down?" She sits down gently on the chair, knowing instantly that its probably worse than she had originally thought, and she doesn't want to crush it all. She feels herself longing to hang up, to pretend that he didn't want to call her, to pretend its all okay, but she knows its just being selfish, whatever's wrong she has to know so that she can deal with it. Zubin has changed her so much that she's beginning to wonder if its all for the best, he has her so happy that she won't even listen to bad news for her, making her selfish. She knows its not him making her selfish, its her own thoughts, and she has to get it all back on track so that whatever it is, she can sort it. "Oh no, what is it Tom?" He hears the worry in her voice, as if she's holding back tears and he almost regrets being the one to tell her, almost regrets phoning her that night. He knows he had to phone her, he had no choice and she had to know, Chrissie and Kath had worked together, and although they didn't always get on, he knows that, deep down inside they cared for one another. "It's Chrissie.. she erm. she died last night" The words don't seem to sink in, don't seem to register in her mind, there is no way that Chrissie died, no way in this world that Chrissie could have. She isn't sure if she can speak any more, the tears welling in her eyes and the lump building in her throat hurts her, but not as much as the pain in her heart. "H. How?" She asks him tearfully, she isn't sure how she even manages the words, can't see how she gets them out, but she does and as soon as he starts to explain she wishes she hadn't asked. "She. she boarded a train at 2am this morning, it crashed. we.we did all we could Kath, we really did, I couldn't save her, when we arrived she was. she was.already dead." She can't muster any more words and so she simply puts down the receiver, falling down further into her chair, collapsing in never ending tears. "NO!!!!!!!!!" She knows that shouting won't bring her back, that nothing can and yet she still can't believe it, it all still doesn't seem real. Why would she have boarded a train so early in the morning, she can't help but think it was all part of some sick joke? She feels Zubin kneel beside her and put his arm around her, and yet she can't even think about him anymore, the only person that is in her mind is Chrissie. Every time someone had left her she had always been so strong, but this time it's different, this time she has more regrets than ever, so many things she shouldn't have said, things she could have done differently. She knows that all the regrets are just part of grieving, she's felt it all before, so many times now that she doesn't even think it helps. She knows that all the regrets and what if's will lead her no where and that its all a vicious circle in life that you have to avoid and yet she can't help but think that it all could have been different, if only she had done things differently. Zubin pulls her closer, wrapping his arms gently around her and swaying her slightly to ease her grief-ridden sobs. He doesn't know what's gone on, he's not even sure he wants to know, but one thing he knows is, is that Kath is upset and all he wants to do is comfort her, tell her everything will be okay. "She can't be dead" The words sound in his head like a rifle, sending his thoughts in a new direction, whatever has happened, its not something he can fix, not something that will go away quickly. He bends his face closer to hers, so that he can look deep inside those eyes, those eyes that are now so full of hurt, so full of a sudden loneliness and guilt. "Who can't be?" He knows that maybe its best left unsaid right now, but he has to ask her, has to find out, he's never seen her like this and it scares him. Scares him that maybe she's not so strong, maybe he can't fix everything for her, it scares him because he doesn't want to be hurt, but most of all it scares him because he feels that if ever she's upset, it's his fault. "Ch. Chrissie" She whispers softly at him, the words still so hard to find, she can't believe it still, she knows that once its truly sunk in its going to be worse, once the funeral has taken place and its all definite, that's all funerals are, a confirmation that they are gone. She lowers her head and looks at her hands as she wrings them gently. "Zu. Zu. Zubin.. I feel so alone" "You have to remember Kath" He lifts her head to be level with his own "Kath, listen to me, remember that you are never EVER alone, remember that for me, never ever" "Oh Zubin, you deserve better than me!" "But the fact remains Kath, I don't want better than you" He smiles at her gently, wiping the tears away from her cheeks. "I'm trying to say, I don't deserve for you to like me, I don't deserve anyone. and I hate it so much that people love me, that people want to be with me. because I'm not worth it" She believes it, and she knows that she doesn't deserve a man like him, for anyone to love her, not after Terry, especially not after terry. "I don't know what's got this into your head, but if all this with Chrissie is causing this, I'll get you through it, your worth every second I spend with you, believe me." ~*~ Ed sits in the car, his head pounding with the constant flow of thoughts that still run through his head. He still can't understand it, still doesn't want to allow himself of grieve for her, how can he grieve for a woman that he doesn't yet believe to be dead? He still isn't sure how he can live without her as a familiar song comes onto the radio, a song that is so familiar to his feelings, a song meant for him. No I can't forget this evening  
  
Or your face as you were leaving  
  
But I guess that's just the way  
  
The story goes  
  
You always smile but in your eyes  
  
Your sorrow shows  
  
Yes it shows  
  
No I can't forget tomorrow  
  
When I think of all my sorrow  
  
When I had you there  
  
But then I let you go  
  
And now it's only fair  
  
That I should let you know  
  
What you should know He understands the song as if it was written for him, and only for him, he knows that deep down she had been hurting, that he had been foolish to let her go. He had never deserved a woman like her and he had lost her, lost her so easily almost as if he hadn't had her to begin with. He hadn't had her, not really, not the way that Owen had, he hadn't woken up to her every morning, he hadn't married her, and committed to her. All he was was a painful memory that ruined the happy life she had had, and he knows it, deep down inside he is still admitting it to himself. I can't live  
  
If living is without you  
  
I can't live  
  
I can't give anymore  
  
I can't live  
  
If living is without you  
  
I can't give  
  
I can't give anymore He doesn't feel the will inside of him to carry on any longer, he had never felt it before even if he had lost her she was still there, even if she hated him. He knows that she hated him; no matter how much she tried to hide it, and why shouldn't she? He had destroyed everything for her, maybe fathered the baby that had died, the one that had caused so much hurt in so many lives. He loves her so much, even if he had told Owen that he didn't, told Owen that he didn't think of her, didn't cry over her, how foolish had he been trying to deny it to himself? He knows that no matter how many people you try and fool the hardest to fool is yourself, and he had almost managed it up until today, the day when he realised his true feelings for himself and stopped denying it. She probably would have been no different towards him had she known, but he would have felt different about it all if she had known. He hadn't realised that he had felt so strongly for her but then he realises, of course you can't love someone, it hadn't been a one night stand, or something you regret in the morning, he had felt for her something that he had never felt for anyone else, love. It hurt him so much as she grew hostile towards him, tried to block him out and yet he now understands that she had to, if you love someone as much as she did Owen then you will risk it all for them, just as he is willing to risk it all for her. He knows its stupid, selfish even, but he feels no reason to live on, his father still sits rotting away in some prison because of him, Chrissie still lies dead probably because of their stupid fling, he doesn't deserve to be alive and he knows it. You always smile but in your eyes  
  
Your sorrow show  
  
Yes it shows  
  
I can't live  
  
If living is without you  
  
I can't live  
  
I can't give anymore  
  
I can't live  
  
If living is without you  
  
I can't give  
  
I can't give anymore He knows that the song is true, maybe he can live without her, but he can't live with himself any more, not knowing all the pain and hurt he has caused everyone. Back then, way back then, he hadn't expected his whole life to have so many effects on his future, it's because of his father and his guilty conscience that led him to have that fling with Chrissie in the first place, the reason she left Owen, the reason she died. Right at this very moment he sees two options ahead of him, to end it right here, right now or to tell everyone the truth, the real reason that his father is in prison at this very moment. He hears someone coming up beside the car and opening the door, he turns around to see Tom sitting beside him, his eyes alert and wide awake despite it still only being six o clock. "Ed, I just wanted to see if you were going to be okay, you've been sitting here for half an hour, I was worried about you." "I'm fine, honestly" He can't seem to tell Tom the truth, doesn't know that he wants to tell Tom the truth, he's his longest friend, he's bound to try and stop him, but right now the only thing on his mind is to get it over and done with and to hurt as little people as he can. "Look, are you sure you don't want me to take you home, I can take the day off work, honestly, its fine, if you need anyone to talk, I'm here." Ed knows that Tom is trying to be sincere, to help him and yet he doesn't want the help, he doesn't want Tom to know how he feels, what he is thinking. He shakes his head, unable to suppress any words, unable to stop himself from choking up, from crying so much that he will never be able to cry again. Just as he stops his head he feels a gentle tear flow from his eye and run down his cheek softly, he doesn't want Tom to see it, but he knows he has, he knows that Tom won't leave him alone until he knows the truth. He takes a deep breath, still not too certain about telling him, then again he want to, he wants to tell someone, just to let it all out and why not his best friend, the one who has always helped him out? ~*~ Tricia walks into the familiar room, Chrissie's coat still folded over the chair, her shoes still sitting in front of the arm chair despite Tricia having asked her to move them. These minute unnecessary things mean nothing to her, but just at this moment she hears it, playing softly from Chrissie's bedroom, a gentle melody. As she pushes open the door and sits upon the bed the words begin to hit her and she falls down onto the bed sobbing uncontrollably, is that how Chrissie really felt? Reflections of your love  
  
Have come to wither  
  
I thought I'd done my best to memorize  
  
A picture fades of you and I together  
  
I haven't come to terms  
  
with how we said goodbye She knows that what she did to Chrissie was stupid, foolish, selfish even but she hoped inside her heart of hearts that Chrissie knew she loved her, that she really did care. But all at once it hits her that Chrissie never did, that she lay dying inside that train thinking that her mother didn't love her, that she didn't even care if she died. All the times she had spent with Owen, luring him in and capturing him in her tangled web, she hadn't once thought of Chrissie, what it would do to her if she found out, and now it's too late. Too late to take it all back and tell her daughter she loved her, too late to apologise for everything she ever did. Did you really care?  
  
Care at all for me? Did you really care? Did you care at all for me? She wants to just shout out to her, tell her she did care, does care and forever will care for her one and only daughter. She knows that Chrissie had played it, just for her to hear it, for her to feel hurt, for her just to understand, but if she had known that she would die, would she have played it still? If she had known what hurt she would be putting them all through, would she still have left? The only answer she can find inside of her is yes, they deserve every bit of pain that they are feeling, but Chrissie, Chrissie didn't deserve to die. She was a good woman, who had recently experienced just what she is feeling now, loss of a child. But she knows that deep down Chrissie hadn't felt as bad as Tricia does now, she hadn't felt a failure in the upbringing of her daughter, hadn't led her daughter to die. A displaced little girl  
  
Wept years in silence  
  
And whispered wishes you'd materialize  
  
She pressed on night and day  
  
To keep on living  
  
And tried so many ways  
  
To keep her soul alive She can't go on sitting here all day, crying, even if she wants too, which she does so much she can hardly even see it as believable. Her daughter left her, without a proper goodbye, without knowing how much her mother really loved her, thinking that she hated her, just because she betrayed her once. She knows that a mother shouldn't do what she should, a mothers loyalty goes beyond all of that but at the time it didn't sink in. She made a mistake, a mistake she is paying for a million times over right now, she feels the tears starting to fall in their decent. She's lost her daughter and it still doesn't make sense inside her head it just seems like a mystery, a puzzle just waiting to be unsolved. She can't help but feel torn inside, heartbroken and yet foolish, she knows that what she had done with Owen, even if it hadn't meant anything, had been stupid. ~*~ Jess sits at the piano still playing the tune of Reflections quietly, just thinking it all through, and mulling it all over in her mind. It doesn't seem right, not for her to have fallen pregnant again; it all doesn't seem to make sense either. It had been one night, one stupid night that she had regretted the morning after, but maybe now, just maybe he might seem to recognise what he has done. Her mind still races over the situation, each time leading her to another place, another choice to make, she doesn't want to loose the baby, doesn't want to abort it, not this time. She knew back then that even if Alex didn't want it, she did and that aborting it had been one of the biggest mistakes of her life, she is blessed to be able to have a second chance, and this time she doesn't want to mess it up. She pulls away from the piano, the tears running down her cheeks now clearly visible, and sits gently onto the sofa, flicking absentmindedly through the channels. Whether or not Ed loves her or not doesn't even make a difference any more, she will make it on her own if she has to. She lifts the phone gently to her ear and dials the number, not even sure if she should tell him; sure that he will be the same as Alex, ignorant. "Hello, Ed?" "Yeah, what is it Jess, I'm kind of busy, can it wait?" She hears the sadness in his voice but doesn't quite take note of it, nothing, she feels, can be beyond what she is feeling right now. "Not really, can you just come around, please?" "Okay, but just not for long okay?" He sighs and puts down the receiver, wondering just what could be that important, he doesn't want to have Jess having a go at him, not with everything that has recently happened, Tom only just managed to keep him from doing something stupid. Jess sits back down at the piano, playing something she hasn't played for so long, a song that always seemed to blow all the worries out of her head with its simple rhythmic melodies. It doesn't matter how she tries to see it in her head, there is only one way to do this, to go through it alone, and it seems the only way she can do it. She doesn't feel love for Ed but already she can feel love for the baby, growing inside her with every second that passes. She can never remember feeling this strongly about Alex's child. "Maybe you need to loose it to realise what you have" she whispers gently, singing in tune with the music as it fills through her, waking her up inside. She isn't sure what is to come of her, what is to come of her child but just for once, for one time in her life, she doesn't care, all that matters is what is going on now, she is pregnant and in nine months down the line she will be holding a child in her arms, her child. Just thinking she could be a mother in just nine months scares her slightly, how do you just become a mother? It can't be just something you are called, its something you are, something that you live by daily, something deep inside of you that never goes. How could she ever be a mother, to have someone depend on her so much, and yet she knows that she will be able to do it, its not that she has to, she want too because if all else fails, she will always have her child and nothing can change that. She feels herself thinking selfishly, it's not all about being alone or not, it's about loving the child, bringing another person into the world and showing them life, showing them love and guiding them through it all. Putting it so plainly she can't image anyone not wanting to have a child, no one regretting ever getting pregnant because she knows that it's a privilege and that she's lucky, luckier than most. So many people can't have children, so many people would love to be in the situation she is now and she wants to make the most of it, even if that's not what Ed wants. She kicks herself mentally, she doesn't even know what Ed wants, doesn't even think about what he wants because she knows, it doesn't matter really, she's strong enough to go it alone. He hadn't been there for Chrissie so why should he be there for her, why should it be any different? She knows that he may want to help, may want them to be together, it seems stupid to be thinking like that, but maybe he has thought about her as much as she has thought about him, and yet, she knows, he hasn't cried as much about her as she has him, not ever. He stands in the doorway of the room, just staring at her, he knows that there are tears in his eyes, he knows that he's probably never stopped crying but it's at that moment that he realises how much he loves her. It sounds strange, even in his head, to be loving Jess, it had been one night, one night he could tell she wished never happened, one night in which he had pretended to not remember, not to care about. Deep inside he had remembered, he had cared, probably more that he can ever bring himself to say, no matter what she had said, it had been something special. The whole ordeal of Chrissie and Amanda had thrown him off the night, had cast his mind somewhere darker, somewhere lonelier than anywhere else. Now its coming back to him, the look that had been in his eyes, the way he had almost cried as he looked at her, her beauty blinding all else, the way she had smiled so gently at him, those eyes reflecting it like nothing else, like all the stars placed so delicately into a chocolate brown sky. He can't deny that he had finally realised just how much he had liked Jess and he had allowed himself to admit it that night, but he knows that its all forgotten now, all blown over in a disastrous wind. He had let himself fall for her, it had happened so quickly he couldn't stop himself, he had fallen for her and now there is no turning back, no denying it to himself, not again. He can remember thinking the same things for Chrissie, but he had stopped himself, buried all the feelings until it was too late and now, now he is feeling the exact same for Jess except its different this time, there is no one else involved, it's just the two of them and forever it will remain. He steps into the room and she turns around, the tears still glistening on her cheeks, her body still shaking with emotion. He walks forward, unsure at first, and wraps his arms gently around her, swaying her softly in an attempt to sooth her. He never wants to see her cry, never want to see her hurt, no matter what. She breathes in deep, catching the smell of his aftershave, bringing back sweet memories of that fateful night, the night that brought her to where she is now. She pulls back, staring into his gentle eyes and he pours deep inside them, lost inside the intensity of them. What he feels for her right now, he knows, is love and there is nothing like it, nothing in the world as powerful as it, nothing in the world that can stop it. "Ed." she hesitates, not quite sure of what to say, how to say it, she hadn't expected it to be like this, for it all to go this way. "I'm." He lifts his finger to her lips and presses it softly against them, wishing her not to speak, to take the moment away from him, however selfish it is. He never wants to forget the moment, not for all of his life, the moment he truly fell in love with Jess Griffin. "Look, Ed" She pulls away his hand and holds it inside her own, pouring back into those eyes, seeing so much hurt already embedded deep into them like a solders wounds healed over but forever visible. "I'm pregnant" She whispers softly. The shock fills his eyes, takes over the expression on his face, captures his mind, it's not what he had expected, not what he had planned. He can't believe it, she can't be, not at all, it was one night, one night in which he fell in love with her, one night in which his life would change forever from the aftermath. He sits down onto the chair, twisting her around and sitting her on his lap, still not sure of what he wants, not sure of what he should do. She laughs gently, the confused look upon his face amusing her and he pulls her close, allowing her to rest her head on his chest, her laugh casting all thoughts out of his head, a baby with her, would be like a dream, a dream finally come true. ~*~ Tricia sits still looking upon his face, still wondering how he could still want to be with her, still want it 'them' when so much has happened. So many times had she told herself she didn't want him, so many times had she convinced herself it was true, that she was hurting the most important thing in the world to her, her daughter. And yet all the while it had carried on, right until the end and here he sits with her at this very moment, sits with her alone, with his hand on top of her own. She lifts her hand, brushing off his to wipe away the tears slowly gathering in her eyes. He can't want them to carry on, not after it all, he had always been the sensible one, the one that put nothing before Chrissie, and yet she knows that now she has gone, he is broken. Broken in half and just crying inside, she knows that Chrissie had been his world, the only thing that kept him going, maybe he just wants her because Chrissie is, was and forever will be, her daughter. She feels guilty again, just saying that Chrissie is her daughter makes her go through it all again, two police men standing on her doorstep saying the fateful words that a mother never wants to hear, that her child has died. She hadn't expected it to happen so soon, not because of a stupid affair, an affair that meant nothing, and never will. Owen had been good, she had enjoyed spending time with him, but it was nothing serious, nothing she didn't regret on every morning after. It starts to slowly come into her mind, every moment they had spent together, every last breath that they had wasted together, moments she could have spent with her daughter, telling her that she did love her. Owen leans forward, caressing her face gently but she pulls away, knowing it best not to go down that road again, not now, not ever. "Owen, no, it's not right, you're doing it for the wrong reasons, and we all know that" "Do we?" He whispers, not sure if he even knows the answer himself yet, maybe he does know that he doesn't love her, that it's wrong to go through it all again, but he doesn't want to let go of the last part of Chrissie that is left. "Your right" He whispers, but it's at that very moment that their lips touch, that sends them both to forget Tricia's words. They know what they are doing is wrong, but just then nothing else matters but being close to someone, having someone caring for you. She lifts her hand up to his head and runs her hand along it gently before pulling away, she knows that it has to stop, right now, or it never will. She gets up and crosses the room, deciding that its best to leave him alone, for both of them, the door shuts behind her with a click and it is only then that he looks up to reveal fresh tears running down his cheeks. He had loved Chrissie and loved Tricia because she was part of Chrissie and now every last part of her has slipped from his grip, faded away from view. He had never expected to feel this alone in the world, there had always been someone there for him, and now, he has no one. He looks out of the window, up towards the sky in which he wonders, is there somewhere else after earth you go? A long time ago he believed that there was something after death, somewhere nice and warm to go and now, now he isn't sure what he believes any more. His whole life has been thrown out of course within a few hours, in a few hours he has lost all and gained nothing, what in life is there for him to gain? When you have lost someone, you see no way out of the hole that you sit inside, dark cold and alone. Any escape from it, anything that you can still cling onto you will and that is what had lead him to Tricia in the first place, and now he has lost them both. Just a year ago everything had been different, each morning he had woken up with her beside her, he had fallen asleep with her in his arms and he had seen her smiling face every day, every moment he could. Now, now everything is dark, cold and he sees no hope, no future, how can he go on when every part of her has left him. He feels the tears running down his cheeks again, trailing down onto his chin of unshaven stubble, he doesn't even know how he let himself get in the mess he is, she would have hated to see him like this. She hated him. The harsh reality that she did seems almost unreal, unthinkable and yet he knows it is probably so close to the truth. So many things still rush through his mind, things Tricia had said, that Tricia had stopped Chrissie from going back to Owen, surely it's too late to be going back on things you have done. He knows that there is no changing the past and yet it doesn't stop him from trying, from wanting nothing more than to change everything and make it all right again. 'Right', what really is right in his world any more, not one good thing still remains, and she was everything good he had, not even his job seems anything compared to her. ~*~ Ed looks around the room, it's so familiar to him and yet everything seems so different now, so dark and cold. As she enters the room he doesn't even look up, he knew Tom would send her down even though he said he needed to get through it on his own, someone needs to do something alone, someday. Thoughts about Jess still run through his mind, he had escaped here for somewhere to think and yet now, now he is reminded only of Chrissie. "Its okay to be hurt you know, sometimes." She says gently, she still doesn't know what to say to him, she knows he's hurting but there isn't anything she can do, Tom had said it himself, she can't bring Chrissie back, no one can. He leans back in the chair and stares at her with blank eyes, eyes that had once been full of love and compassion. "I'm going to be a dad." She smiles at him, her eyes lighting up her whole face and he notices how beautiful she really is, Tom is a lucky man. She looks down and writes something onto the paper as he turns his gaze towards the window, the rain still beating furiously at the window in a soothing rhythmical pattern. "But I can't let go" "No one is trying to make you, Ed; you have all the time in the world to get over it. Death is not something anyone takes lightly. It takes time but when you're over it all you will be able to think of is the good times, not the times in which you spent arguing. And if what you say is true, you have other people to be thinking of." He slowly inclines his head and she stands up, heading for the door, she places her hand on his shoulder and squeezes it encouragingly, smiling at him once again and departs leaving him alone, once again. One way or another he is always alone and yet he smiles just thinking of the future, a child with Jess, being able to be happy again, just maybe. He knows that Anita is right, he won't forget her, but in time, she will be easier to remember. ~*~ Ric sits in his office, going through old files, his mind still fixated on Diane; he still doesn't believe it's real, that she can love him. His thoughts are interrupted with the door slamming; he gently looks up over the folder to reveal Jess standing in front of him. He sighs, he doesn't need her asking him for money not after all the gambling he had done, he's just getting it all back on track. "Dad" She whispers gently, he knows the tone of voice instantly, she wants something and he knows he will find it difficult to say no, but he has nothing left to give her. "How much is it this time, Jess?" He asks, almost robotically, sure that it is what she wants, money. "No, dad, listen I'm pregnant." His fists clench at once, anger and shock taking over him like a deadly virus, controlling his every thought. This is something he hadn't expected, not for a second time. He looks into her eyes, finally meeting her gaze and doesn't see any fear this time, nothing but joy is buried in there. He wants to laugh, needs to shout, let his feelings be heard and expressed and yet he knows not to, each of his children have distanced themselves from him through it. He still thinks of Leo, his son who he had so many dreams for, that he was so caught up in the dreams that he couldn't see the unhappy son he had right under his nose. He had never listened to Leo, just pressured upon him the life he wanted him to live and now, he doesn't ever want to make the same mistake with Jess, he couldn't stand too loose her as much as he doesn't show it. "And the father is?" he says at last, just hoping that his anger, sadness and disappointment doesn't show through, he only wants what's best for his little girl. She hesitates, not sure what to say, Ed had never seemed the reliable sort, the kind of guy you could call 'daddy'. She remembers growing up, the daddy she had, had seemed so powerful, a guy to constantly look up to, but he had never been the loving sort and she knows what effects that has on children. She doesn't want her child to grow up crying at night just wondering where daddy is and what he's up to, wondering what sort of step-mum she would get next. But somehow, she is sure that Ed would never treat her like that, would always be by her side even if she had had her doubts before. "Ed" she mumbles, turning her face away from his, not wanting to see his reaction, see the anger rise in his eyes as it always did, to see the disappointment turn to a pathetic sort of sympathy. That look of disappointment she had witnessed so many times, and each time it cut through her, making her feel unworthy of her fathers love. He stands up, and walks towards her, placing his arms around her and holding her tight, something he hasn't done since she was a little girl. For all of her life all she had wanted was to be in her fathers arms, because when she was younger all her fears and worries would just blow away but never had he held her, maybe because he had always been disappointed in her. She places her head gently onto his shoulder, letting her tears run down into his shirt, this time her fears don't leave her, but knowing her father is there for her, helps. "I know I haven't always been there for you Jess, but I do love you." He whispers, maybe Diane had been right, he did need to talk to his daughter, sort things out between them because what a daughter really needs is to feel she is loved by her father. He has always found it hard to show emotion, to share it with others but he knows that it's about time he opens up and tells those he loves, that he really does love them. ~*~ Zubin looks up upon her entrance into the room, smiling slightly; he hadn't expected her to have been in work at all today. She places herself on the desk, looking down on him and places her hand on top of his, rubbing it gently and looking into his caring eyes. She knows he didn't want her in, but she couldn't stay at home when everything she wanted was at Holby. "Didn't I tell you not to come in?" He says sternly, looking deep into her eyes with a look of deep concern. That tone of voice worries her, its one she had heard so many times before, in Simons voice, it was the tone he used when he was angry with her. Just simply bringing back memories of him brings tears to her eyes again, why when something good happens does she have to be reminded of him? She gets up and crosses the room, leaning her back against the wall, so many thoughts rushing through her mind. "Kath, what are you doing back at work?" That tone in his voice still remains, the fear still flowing through her veins just like it always had, back in the times of darkness. She looks up, seeing nothing but a blurred image before her, a blurred image of a man, leaning forward, with that sense of power about him. "Simon?" She whispers, without even realising it, she says it almost out of instinct. He continues to stare at her silently for a few moments, no matter how quietly she had said it, he heard her, how could she have called him it? Not in his worst of nightmares would he hit a woman, or even frighten one as much as Simon had Kath. "What did you just call me?" He asks her, the look of compassion vanished from his face, replaced with anger, hurt but most of all confusion. "I, I. I don't know, I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry; you just sounded like him. you scared me." She mumbles, probably more confused than he is, the images of Simon throwing her across the room still vivid in her memory. She can still smell the blood that he left in the carpet, still see that look of anger in his eyes and as she looks up into Zubin's she sees that look again. "How can you ever compare me to that man, it's as if you wish I was him, do you want me to be a wife beater, is that what you want?" He knows he shouldn't raise his voice at her, but with the rape allegations he had once been held against it all seems unreal that he is being alleged to have done something almost as terrible. "No!" She slips down the wall, tears spilling gently down her face, fear seeping into every inch of her brain, its just how it started with Simon, she had been so happy at first, so happy. "What are you accusing me of here Kath?" He asks, she doesn't even look at him, can't look at him, because each time she does she sees traits of Simon in him, just the little things that scare her more than anything. She looks up at the sound of the door slamming beside her, and the tears begin to fall harder until she can no longer see anything but a pool of sadness. "I'm sorry Zubin" She whispers between heart-broken sobs, if only he could hear her. ~*~ Zubin looks up from behind a book that he is reading, the tears lining his eyes visible to Ric and Diane, no matter how much he has tried to conceal them. He hasn't been able to concentrate on anything but Kath and what she had said to him, the word 'Simon?' resounds in his head. "What's going on over there Zubin?" Ric asks, as he is bent over the patient, the heart monitor flat lining in the background. "Umm, I don't know!" He turns around to look up at the heart monitor, his insides churning, he has made a mistake, something is wrong with the patient. "Zubin concentrate!" Ric tells him sternly as he watches the heart monitor carefully. Zubin jumps up and stands in front of it, monitoring it with precision. "Her morphine levels are too high, he's beginning to go into arrest, Ric, stop the operation!" He shouts, having no idea how he managed to go wrong on such a simple operation. He knows exactly why he went wrong though, he had been thinking about her, and what she had said to him. He still can't believe that he had reminded her of him, him of all people, and he knows that she will never get over him, as much as she tries to say she is. He had left that same kind of imprint in her life that his wife had left in his, someone you will never forget, as much as its different between them, its really all the same. Ric holds his hands in the air, just watching his patient slowly slip away as Diane shoots worried looks between Zubin and Ric. ~*~ Kath still sits on the floor, still shaking violently with terror and loneliness; she hadn't meant to say it. Just at that one moment everything came back to her, everything that she never wanted to recall entered her head. He had sounded just like him; even the very words he spoke just sounded the same in her ears. The memories of him shouting at her, downgrading her, still remain fresh in her memory, just like it was yesterday, haunting her for eternity. She will never be able to forget him as much as she wants too, and as much as she tries, he has left that imprint on her life that is irreversible. She raises her hands to her head, pushing back the hair from her face as the tears continue in their silent decent. All she wants to do is run back to Zubin, be in his arms and repeatedly tell him that she's sorry, but he scared her. She doesn't want to live the rest of her life afraid of the fact that he could be just like Simon. She knows that he is nothing like Simon, that he would never hurt her, and yet she had always felt the same about Simon until his temper got the better of him and she's seen Zubin, she's seen just how angry he can get sometimes. No matter how much he does remind her of Simon, he really wouldn't ever lay a finger on her and deep down inside she knows it, it was just something that happened in the heat of the moment. She laughs gently, just thinking about how she must look huddled here in the corner of the room crying, just like she had so many times before in her life. She remembers sitting in the corner with her hands over her head just pleading with Simon 'please no more', the worst years of her life. She knows that she's just afraid to get into it all again, no matter how much she truly does love Zubin. Love must die, that's all she remembers of a certain song, and yet she can't remember which song it is, she knows that love dies, it died so early on with Simon, then Terry died himself, and she knows she can't live with loosing love again. Who's to say she has it right this time? She knows she has probably already destroyed any hope of love with Zubin now anyway, why oh why had she been so foolish? Why? Because she had simply been afraid of getting hurt again, of loosing her love once more, something she knows she just can't handle, and yet, Zubin is worth it. She knows that it's probably too late now to tell him she's sorry, to admit her love for him, and yet it's all she wants to do. She had lived all her life being afraid, she just doesn't want to be afraid anymore, just to have some happiness at last. ~*~ Ric takes Zubin's arm and leads him away from the corridor into the comfort of his own office with a serious look on his face. Zubin looks up at him, a look of pity in his eyes and places his head in his hands. "Zubin, What happened in there?" He asks putting his hand gently on Zubin's shoulder. "I, I don't know, I wasn't concentrating, I must have made a mistake." He says with the tears welling in his eyes, but he fights them back, he can't cry now, not after all that's happened. "Must've been some book to do that." Ric comments, picking up the book that Zubin had been reading and turning it over in his hands looking at it. "It's not the book." "Want to talk about it?" Ric asks, sitting in front of Zubin and leaning of the table to indicate that he's listening. "Its nothing, okay?" Zubin gets up and walks out of the room, the door slamming behind him with a dignified bang. Ric looks after him silently and sits back in the chair, Zubin had always opened up to him before, he was there for him over his wife just as Zubin had been there for him with each divorce. He knows that in time maybe Zubin will open up, but maybe in time it will be too late and more patients could loose a life. He picks up his pen and begins to write just as he hears a knock on the door and Kath's face move behind the glass. "Come in!" He shouts as the door begins to open and a very shaken Kath comes down with mascara running all down her face which she rubs away as she enters the room. "I'm, err, going to leave early today, is that okay?" She asks, her voice almost failing her. "Yeah," She turns to leave after smiling weakly at him "And Kath. have a good weekend." She nods and carries on out of the door just as the tears begin to fall again. Ric turns to look out the window as the sun begins to sit over the purpling horizon, he sighs deeply and takes up the pen again, someone has to do the report on what happened in theatre. ~*~ He sits in the hospital canteen and watches the white swirls on top of his coffee; he doesn't even notice that he has company. "Are you going to drink that?" Ric asks gently as Zubin looks up to meet his eyes, the tears running gently down his cheeks. "What is it Zubin? You haven't been yourself all afternoon!" "Kath and I got into an argument and she, she called me. me. Simon." He whispers gently wiping away the descending tears. Ric places his hand on Zubin's shoulder comfortingly and squeezes it slightly, not sure of exactly what to say. He has known Zubin almost all of his life and how anyone could have said he was anything like Simon is beyond him, especially Kath. He knows how terrified of Simon Kath had been, and in his eyes, he can't imagine Zubin ever scaring someone so much. "She sounded so serious about it, I really love her Ric. Why didn't I know I'd end up hurt, again?" He places his head in his hands to bury the tears.  
  
"Zubin, sometimes it's worth taking the risk of getting hurt, you know that as well as I do!" He shouts at him, he doesn't know how it Zubin still can't understand. The best years of Zubin's life he had spent with his wife, and it had probably been worth the pain, and he knows it. "Just because it went wrong with Elizabeth it doesn't mean you have to push everyone away!" Zubin pushes back his chair, sending it scattering a few feet behind him, and walks out of the canteen leaving Ric sitting alone, just as he had previous. The one person he thought he could rely on, the one person he thought he could open up to had failed him, just like everyone always has. Maybe Ric had been right, maybe he just sent out a signal to everyone that told them to back away, and maybe that had been what had come across to Kath. He loves her, just like he had said to Ric, all he can do is think about her and yet, he sees no way of getting her back. ~*~ Anita looks around the room and places her feet up on the table, she can't believe she is back with him, in his living room watching television, as if nothing has happened. She doesn't want to be pregnant, and if she had any choice over it she would be running away and aborting it, making it all better, but she can't. There are other people involved for once, not just herself and there is no getting out of it, she had told herself she could be strong, get over it all but she's begun to doubt her own emotions more than ever. She's never been stuck in a situation that she doesn't see a way out of before, and she's never had to consider someone else, but she knows from now on she will have to consider two people, Tom and her baby. She can't seem to ever imagine herself being a 'mummy' it just doesn't fit in to her life, she has always been strong and together, free to go where she likes but now she's settling, and she doesn't like it. There are so many things she doesn't understand in life, as much as she tries to pretend she does, and one of those is, why? Why is she back with him, stuck in the same situation before? Why does she love him as much as she does? Why does he love her? So many questions that she just can't seem to find answers for. She goes out into the garden and looks up into the, now, star scattered sky and breaths in the fresh air, just thinking it all through. Maybe it was all meant to be; maybe she will be happy at last. "Let it be okay" She whispers before going back into the house and going back into the living room, to find Tom sitting there smiling at her gently. She slips down beside him and he takes her into his warm embrace as they sit watching an old movie. She knows that no matter what is going on in her life, one look from him will make it all okay again. ~*~ She places the wine glass on the table as she looks out into the night sky, alone for another time in her night. She doesn't even know why she was lead to think of him again, she had been so sure she had been over him, but maybe she never will be. Some people just leave an imprint in your life that's too deep to remove, and his imprint was just one of those. She loves Zubin, and has since the day she first set eyes on him, but now she has thrown away the chance and she knows it. She pushes the fork into the pudding, smearing the cream around the plate, not even food seems appetizing anymore. She takes the pen and tries to finish the letter to him, since she can't seem to explain it to him in words no matter how much she tries. The tears fall gently down her eyes and splash onto the pages smearing her writing slightly, but she can no longer stop them, she has no will power left. She looks silently up into the moon as the clouds drift slowly across it and memories come flooding back to her, memories of looking up to the moon one night from a lonely corner of her old house, a corner she had been cowering in, afraid to leave. That's one thing that Zubin doesn't do, he doesn't make her afraid to leave somewhere just in case he hurts her, she isn't afraid to come home to him at night, and yet she is no longer coming home to his smiling face and his warming touch, ever. Ever, that's the way she sees it anyways, like she has ruined every chance of his love that she had been given, it obviously wasn't meant to be, just like the others. He stands at the sidelines, watching her every movement, feeling her every emotion, he loves her, always has done. He's been filled with loneliness ever since she left him, and no one else can fill the void in his heart, apart from her, and he can't have her. At first he had thought she'd come back, she had never stayed away from him before, but over time it became apparent that she wasn't coming back, that she didn't love him. He had never meant to hurt her, it was just something that came over him, he said he loved her, and he meant it. He can still see her crying in the kitchen, hands held over her head screaming and pleading with him, he regrets it now but at the time it had been like something had taken over him. He hadn't known what he was doing, and by the time he had it had been too late, she was lying there in front of him, almost lifeless, and every time she awoke and was okay he believed he had been given another chance, yet every time he ruined it. "One last chance" He whispers in the chilling night air. She turns around at the noise, she recognized a voice and yet she couldn't decipher any words, she sees a shadow stir in the darkness and shivers. Just because she is alone it doesn't mean there is someone after her, she's moved on from being afraid. She hears a rustle of leaves and yet there is no wind, nothing to justify the noise she heard. She sits bolt up right as she hears the footsteps and heavy breathing, he's come back, she knows its him instantly. "Simon" she whispers, her voice shaking in violent fear. She feels his hand go over her mouth and the feel of his icy skin against her own, he pulls her head back and she sees his face staring back at her, his eyes alive with danger. She wants to scream, wants to run, and yet there is that strong force holding her back again, fear. "Give me another chance Kath!" He says, his voice ringing with that terror tone, and she realizes that Zubin hadn't sent the fear through him like Simon is, hadn't scared her as much as Simon does. She tries to shake her head as she gulps down the fear and yet she sees a blade shining, from the moonlight, in his gloved hand. She watches the tears trickle from his eyes and she knows why, he doesn't want to hurt her, just as he had always told her before. Yet, all the while, he feels he has to, to get what he wants, to put himself in control again. It had always been all about control for him, all about control and power and the only way he seemed to get it was through hurting her. The blood splatters silently over the letter as she lets out a whimpering cry of desperation. The knife clatters to the floor with a small crash, setting blood about the stone. "I'm sorry Kath," he whispers as his footsteps carry off into the distance, his guilt and anguish racing after him in gentle steps. She moves her hand gently to her back and the tears spill from her eyes once again, the last imprint made from Simon is the worst, and imprints really do never fade. ~*~ 


	3. part three, state of confusion

Part 3, state of confusion. He has been thinking about her ever since he left Ric in the canteen, she's all that runs through his mind, the only thing he still regrets. He should have been more supportive and understanding of her and he knows it, it just hurt him to be falsely accused again. He believes that he has failed her, but doesn't have time to bask in the moment because the phone begins to ring. He sighs and heaves himself off his sofa and heads off towards the phone. "Hello?" He says as he picks up the phone yawning slightly, it's late but he doesn't want to go to bed, he can't sleep without her by his side. "Zubin, I need you to come into the hospital now!" Ric shouts at him down the phone, 'nice to talk to you too Ric' he thinks to himself. "What is it?" He yawns again, just hoping to be able to get off the phone and curl up in his warm bed, trying his best to forget about Kath. "It's Kath." Zubin doesn't even wait for the rest of the sentence, the phone drops by his side and he rushes off out of the door, stopping to do nothing. If anything has happened to Kath he will never forgive himself, never get over her. He doesn't even care if it's the tiniest thing wrong with her, or the biggest, he wants to be with her, to hold her in his arms once more, because that's the thing he misses the most. ~*~ Anita opens her eyes and looks next to her to reveal Tom lying gently sleeping, she sighs with relief just because he is still there. She loves him, and she might have tried to get away once, but nothing can stop her from being with him now, having her child with him. She still holds the doubts, of course she does, but the love just removes all doubts she could ever have, for now. She bends forward slightly and presses her lips gently to his cheek, he turns around and her lips meet hers. They break away smiling and just stare into each other's eyes, lost in the love that they feel for each other. "Are you okay?" He asks, stroking her hair away from her head. "I am now, yeah." "You would tell me if something was wrong, wouldn't you?" He knows he's probably just being foolish, but he knows how Anita can wait until it's too late to say something, and he doesn't want it to be like that again. "I'll try to." She whispers, she knows she can't promise him anything, her pride is enough to stop her saying or doing many things in life. Her pride has got the better of her before, like before she was about to go, she couldn't admit that she wanted to stay, wanted to stay in his arms forever.  
  
"That's all I ask." He smile and looks over at the clock that rests behind her on the bedside table "Five o' clock in the morning, is that it?" He comments as he falls back down on the pillow and closes his eyes, pulling her close to him for warmth. ~*~ Jess stands in AAU, staring blankly at the wall before her, she can't get it off her mind that in nine months from now she will be a mother, truly a mother. At first the idea had shocked her, but once the initial shock was over, she felt completely blessed in life, just like she would have done with Alex's baby, if she had ever gotten over the shock. She is glad that she has another chance to be blessed with the miracle of a baby, the miracle of another person growing inside of her. She is still in a complete state of confusion over it though, about how she managed to fall pregnant with Ed's child, about how she can feel so happy about it. But the thing that matters most to her is that she does feel happy about it, she does want it and she isn't afraid any more. "Jess, are you going to go and see Mr. Calvin or not?" Lisa asks, cutting through her thoughts. "Who? Oh... erm... yeah. hang on." Lisa shoots her a suspicious look and goes off to see some patients. Jess smiles with a dreamy look upon her face and heads off towards the patient, her eyes sparkling with the enjoyment of life. She stops before a middle-aged man and smiles. "Mr. Calvin am I right?" ~*~ Zubin leans over her bed and strokes the hair out of her chalk white face gently, tears trickling silently from his caring eyes. He doesn't want to loose her, and yet he's afraid to tell her he's sorry, afraid to admit the truth to her just incase she won't say it back. "Kath, just wake up, you can't leave me here. I can't tell you how much you mean to me, I can't tell you, but it doesn't mean I don't feel it. It doesn't mean you're not the only one I think of in the morning, and it doesn't mean I don't love you. If only you could wake up, I would love to tell you..." He sighs and looks around him, the heart monitor whirring comfortingly in the background and yet he feels separated from himself. For once in his life he doesn't know how to save someone and most of all he doesn't know how to save himself. "I'm sorry Kath, I'm so sorry and now I'm reduced to telling you this when you can't hear me, and whether you pull through or not, I can never tell you. I want to tell you. I want to tell you so much, but I just can't see how, just wake up tell me you love me, give me one last chance Kath, we can make it okay again, I promise you that one thing." He brushes away the tears as he hears Ric enter the room behind him, not wanting anyone to know his pain, hear his anguish. "How is she doing?" Ric asks, pulling the notes up and flicking through them with a deep look of concentration. "Oh Ric... I don't know, she's just so helpless. It's hard to be on the other end of things." "I know. I really do know, just hang in there, she's going to be okay, I just know it." Ric smiles gently at him, patting him on the shoulder, and leaves the room after staring at Kath fighting for her life before his very eyes. He knows that it's hard to be on the other end, he's had it before with Leo, but if you love that person enough then you will stay by them and will them to get better. He sits in the corridor looking up at the ceiling, just hoping for Kath to be okay, for unspoken words to be finally said. He isn't sure if Kath will get better, this time, but he can't stand to think of it any other way, if Kath doesn't make it through nothing will ever be the same. For anyone in Holby. Ric looks around the corridor as Diane sits herself beside him, fiddling with his collar playfully. "It will be okay you know, she's a fighter, she's not going to let him ruin her life again." She says looking deep into his compassionate brown eyes, sensing his sadness. She strokes his arm in soothing silence as he places his head in her neck and allows the tears to escape at last, breaking free from the imprisonment of his dark eyes. "Did anyone find him?" He asks, lifting his head up to be level with hers. He wants more than anything just to break free and find Simon, to make him pay for everything he has ever done to Kath, and yet he knows it's never the answer. He wipes the tears from his eyes and places his hand onto hers rubbing it gently. "No, but they will. they will because. because." she chokes on her words, unable to finish her sentence, life is different without Kath and as much as they seemed not to get on, Kath is a friend of hers, and it hurts. He wraps his arms soothingly around her and kisses the top of her head breathing in the sweet smell of her hair, just the same as it has always been. "Shhhh," he says, rocking her gently in his arms "it's going to be okay, she'll pull through, I know Kath she will pull through." She pulls away from him and nods gently as he puts his arm around her and leads her off down the corridor towards theatre. Just as they reach the end of the corridor you hear her joyful giggling and the sound of his voice. ~*~ Zubin strokes Kath's face gently, the tears rolling gently down his face. "I'm sorry Kath, I really am." He whispers, "Give me one last chance" He gets up and walks out of the room, the door slamming loudly behind him. Kath's eyes flicker open and she looks sadly towards the door. In one sense she just wants to call him back and tell him she's sorry too, but another part of her tells her she doesn't want too, she's been hurt too much already. She had wanted to wake up beside him, for him to tell her he loved her but now he has it doesn't sound the same, she forgives him and yet she is now too afraid to love again. "I'm sorry Zubin, I love you." She whispers in the lonely room. The tears slip from her dark eyes but she gently sweeps them away in one swift wipe, she knows its over for them, she's just too afraid, too afraid to trust him, too afraid to love him. She sits alone and battles silently with her emotions; fear seems much stronger than love, much stronger than any love ever can be. Outside Zubin sits lonely on the chair in the corridor, running his hands along his head, only her on his mind. He loves her and she is second to none to him, and yet he feels he can never feel the same again, not after what she called him. Maybe it had been out of impulse and a mistake, and he isn't one to hold grudges, but it had hurt him. He has never been one to give in to hurt, or show emotions but now he feels that nothing can help him get over it, she had said it as if she believed it was him and now, now he has come back and hurt her himself. She doesn't need the pain of him added to the pain Simon has inflicted upon him, she's better without him, or that's what he tries to convince himself. ~*~ Ed and Tom stand in theatre with deep concentration on their faces, Tom looks up at Ed with a slight smile and pulls out his hand. "Retractor" Ed pulls it out and places it in Tom's blood covered, gloved hands. "So, what's this extremely sudden happy mood about?" Tom asks while moving the heart around with his index finger. "Is it not a good thing for me to be happy?" Ed laughs, just amused at his own answer and Tom's amazement of him being happy. Chrissie is in his past, not forgotten or replaced, just a happy distant memory while he has much more going on in his life, so much he has always dreamed of. "And anyways, I didn't see it in my contract anywhere that I couldn't have some private enjoyment of life." "Of course not. I.err... just thought that. err. in the circumstances at the moment that you wouldn't be so, happy." Tom comments while stitching up the patient's tear. He can't quite understand how Ed can go from complete depression to almost bliss within a few hours; he seems almost like a different person. "If you are referring to.erm. Chrissie then its okay, it's all over now Tom." Tom nods gently at Ed's reply, glad that Ed had actually touched on the subject, not he, himself. As much as he had never liked beating about the bush, Ed's feelings meant somewhat something to him. Tom finishes up with the patient before uttering another word to Ed; the conversation had had such an abrupt feel to it, that it seemed best to remain silent. Tom noticed that twinkle back in Ed's eyes that had been there in those times with Chrissie, this time though, whoever she is, he hopes she doesn't hurt Ed. "So, who is she?" Tom asks as he leaves surgery, he doesn't want to leave it much longer, he isn't one to gossip, or try and get it, and yet he feels the urge to ask him. "Erm. Jess." He mumbles, not looking Tom directly in the eye. "Ah yes, I saw you two at the party, seems that you did indeed seem to get on well together" Tom says, as he enters his office, leaving Ed going off down the corridor still, towards the wards. ~*~ Anita sits with a patient in her office, tapping her pen lightly on the book she holds in her hand. She doesn't know that she can deal with the patient, not with all that's going on at the moment and yet she tells her self that she can't let her personal life get in the way of work. "So you were considering abortion?" She asks, deciding to just get straight to the point. "Don't tell me, they have sent you to try and change my mind?" The patient says, tears' forming in her frightened eyes as Anita shakes her head gently. "Not at all, they sent me to try and find out if that's what you want." Anita explains, looking deeply into her eyes, knowing all the pain she is feeling inside, "so, do you?" "I don't know what I want right now; I just want it all over" "Well, maybe you should try thinking about it" Anita suggests, thinking about it, something that doesn't help and she knows it, the amount of times she's thought about it, and her feelings never changes, frankly, she just doesn't want it. The patient looks deep into Anita's eyes and she knows that she isn't fooling anyone that it's a miracle cure, if she wasn't with Tom then she would probably run away and do it at any given chance, but she doesn't. She stays strong and together, just the same as always. ~*~ Ric walks into Kath's wardroom and almost jumps backwards when he sees her sitting up and looking out of the window and the miserable day beyond. "Kath! Your awake, why didn't anyone tell me?" He asks sitting beside her and flicking through her chart once again, "How are you feeling?" "Ric, I'm fine honestly." She couldn't get out any more if she wanted to, the tears burn her eyes and a lump in her throat grows increasingly large and yet all she longs for is Zubin by her side. "I don't want to make a fuss." "Just make sure you ask if you need anything." He smiles and leans over her bed looking her straight in the eye, "has Zubin been in to see you yet?" "He was in earlier yes, but." She whispers as the tears begin to tumble from her eyes and flow down her tear stained cheeks. He places his hand on her shoulder, stroking it gently with his thumb and she suppresses a gentle smile. "Honestly Kath, you need to talk to him, he's not in a good way." "If you see him, just tell him I'm awake. I'm sure you have other patients to be attending to." She says taking his hand and placing it onto his knee before taking hers back to her side. "Forget about the other patients Kath and just talk to me" He pleads, a deepened note of sympathy in his voice. "Ric, I'm fine. just go!" She whispers dismissively and with that he feels no need to stay, no matter how much Kath is hurting, it's Simon who did it to her, and so she won't admit to it. He nods and leaves the room, shutting it firmly behind him, and it's at this moment that she allows the tears to leave her eyes properly as she gazes out the window and the rain begins to fall. ~*~ Zubin walks through Keller ward and sighs, sitting down in Ric's office, fighting back long awaited tears. It's not the same without them. Never will it be the same if Kath doesn't return. He looks out onto the ward with, what he deeply hopes is, a confident smile still holding back the tears ripping him apart. No matter what he does, no matter how much he tries to deny it to himself, he loves her and it keeps repeating in his mind. He shakes his head, she hasn't forgiven him, he hasn't forgiven him and that's the way he would like it to stay, no tears, no regret and most certainly no pain. And yet he know, on his part for certain, tears will be shed, regret will build up inside and the pain will be un-bearable, but it's too late to go back on it now.too late. He gets up and wanders around the ward, as busy as it is he can still pick her out from all other patients, she has this glow about her that seems to light up the room, light up his life. Even on the darkest day he knows she will never fail to see him into light and yet he still tells himself that it's over. So many times he has suffered heartbreak in his life, but it has never been to this extent, where she sits just before him, just out of reach and he won't do anything about it. He could march right in there, kneel beside her bed and beg her to take him back, explain it all, but pride holds him back, pride ruins his every chance. "Are you okay?" Diane asks, standing beside him and putting her hand gently on his shoulder. "Kath is fighting for her life in there without me but yeah I'm fine, in fact I was about to go for a drink and celebrate!" Zubin says sarcastically, the pain inside his heart growing ever more intense. "I'm sorry." She whispers, lowering her eyes towards the ground, in Zubin's one time of need she can think of nothing to say to him, nothing that will make things any easier. She strokes his shoulder gently but he pulls himself away and smiles weakly. "You know, I don't think a drink would be a very bad idea after all." He says suggestively, just wanting to drown his sorrows in the only way he knows, and yet he doesn't want to go it alone, it's just not something he's used to. "Zubin... I don't think we should..." She laughs gently rubbing his shoulder. "Please Diane, I could do with some company." He pleads, smiling innocently at her.  
  
"Okay, I'll meet you after work" She says with deep compassion, "just sort things out with Kath, yeah?" She smiles and walks off leaving Zubin sitting alone in the office the tears burning in his eyes, threatening to fall and never to stop. He isn't sure what is to become of him and Kath but deep inside he knows it can never work again, and its not that either don't want to make it work. its just they feel they can't.  
  
~*~  
  
Kath looks gently up at him as he enters the room and her heart begins to fall into pieces once again, she can't even handle looking at him and yet she knows she has to remain the same as always, cool and collected, if only it were that simple.  
  
"Kath." He says, his face creasing into a weak smile.  
  
"Zubin. just." She whispers with deep sorrow in her voice, she wants to tell him to leave and yet its not what she truly wants and she doesn't want to let him go.  
  
"Kath will you just listen to me, I just came to tell you that it's. its over." He says, the tears beginning to form in his eyes, just finally admitting to himself that its truly over. The words don't sink in, she had been hoping that he would want her back, that she would be allowed just one more chance, and yet she knows its over, just like he said. Good things never last, and she knows its true, no matter what she has done in her life and whatever good things have come from it, she has lost the few good things she has ever had. and it hurts her.  
  
He walks backwards towards the door, managing to keep the tears concealed if only for a few moments.  
  
"I'm sorry." He whispers before turning around and going out into the corridor. Once outside the tears that were once held back can no longer be confined and begin to fall in un-broken torrents of anguish.  
  
As much as it had seemed the right thing to do, it wasn't, never had he wanted to utter those two words, for him it would never be over. He places his head in his hands and allows the tears to run free, to be able to finally show his emotions and get everything out helps.  
  
Everything happens in an instant that he doesn't have time to reflect, one moment he is sitting crying, full of guilt and upset and the next moment he is on his feet watching nurses and surgeons running into the ward room at the sound of Kath's heart monitor failing. Everything is blurred, it all seems unreal, like it isn't really happening until he turns around and watches them resuscitating her, its then that it sinks in that she could be dying without ever knowing how he really feels.  
  
"Kath!" He shouts, his voice almost failing him due to the lump growing slowly in his throat.  
  
The weight begins to lift away from his shoulders as he the beeping begins to slow and the surgeons begin to scatter around and go back onto the ward. He sighs deeply and props himself up against a wall as Diane walks around the corner, Ric in tow.  
  
"Zubin, about tonight, do you think it's really a good idea?" she asks, placing her hand tenderly on his arm.  
  
"Honestly, its fine, I think now I might need it more than ever, please Diane." He pleads, gently smiling at her while wiping away the tears scattered around his face. Diane nods and turns around to see Ric disappearing off into his office.  
  
"I better go. see you tonight, okay?" She says and heads off after Ric.  
  
~*~  
  
Anita leans over the edge, the wind sweeping her hair backwards, blowing it outwards in a wave of black satin. She takes one hand slowly off the railing and balances herself; breathing in deeply what she hopes is her last few breaths.  
  
"I wouldn't do that if I were you," He says slowly approaching her, she jumps almost letting go and yet she grips onto the railing with all of her might and hauls herself up straight.  
  
"And why not?" She asks tenderly, "what have I honestly got to live for Tom? You know me better than anyone and not even you know how I feel!"  
  
"Why not? Because I love you Anita, isn't that worth fighting for?"  
  
"Just leave me Tom, nothing can save me this time." She sobs, her grip loosening on the railing as he takes a step towards her. "Please stay back. just please."  
  
He takes a retreating step backwards and looks towards her with a compassionate smile, he loves her and so he has to save her, no matter what. He doesn't know what has led her to do it and yet he is sure he can get her through it, come what may.  
  
"Tell me one thing Anita, if you were really going to do it why did you grab hold when I scared you, why didn't you just let go then?" He asks, a slight hint of anger in his voice as he watches her bending forward on the edge against the orange horizon.  
  
She looks towards the ground below, way below, and shakes her head not sure why, as much as she knows the mind, knows the emotions she has never known her own. Its like she's different from all others, running on a different programme or playing to a different tune.  
  
"I'll tell you why, because you didn't want to die, you wanted to listen to what I had to say, you wanted me to love you. I do love you, just come down here, please, I couldn't make it without you, you know that? You know me better than anyone." He says, the tears choking his words as he sits down facing the building so he doesn't have to watch her, her every move hurting him.  
  
He feels a hand settle itself on his shoulder and he looks up into her large blue eyes, filled with hurt and worry.  
  
"And you know me better than anyone else." She whispers as they draw closer together and kiss gently, everything around them forgotten, all they see is each other.  
  
~*~  
  
"So, going for a drink with Zubin is no big deal? I don't know about you Diane but that's always counted as one in my books!" He said, his voice thundering through the office, the pain filling his large chocolate eyes.  
  
"Ric, its nothing okay, Zubin's your friend and you weren't there for him, he needs someone around!" She shouts, getting caught in the heat of the moment, nothing rational seems to enter her mind anymore, just anger.  
  
"I thought our relationship meant more to you than that." He says, his voice calming slightly as he sits down into the chair and looks at her with deep sorrow.  
  
"It did" She whispers softly, "I mean it does... it's just a drink Ric, he needs someone and he came to me, I'm beginning to think this is something about your ego problems. Do you think Zubin has no one else to go to but you? Because if you do you have some very serious possessive problems!" She shouts, the door slamming behind her as she leaves the room. He places his head in his hands and runs his hands backwards, his mind racing with millions of thoughts.  
  
~*~  
  
Jess takes Ed's arm and grins at him cheekily pulling him out of AAU with her, the happiness shining in her large eyes.  
  
"From now on its.erm. a new start." He says grinning back at her. She's all he's ever wanted and its perfect, no one can stop them from being together, no one, not even them.  
  
"It's a new start," She repeats, as they climb into Ed's car and drive off into the chilling night laughing and joking all the way.  
  
~*~  
  
Zubin takes the glass from the side and knocks back the last of its contents as Diane twirls her glass around between her fingers.  
  
"You know, I didn't even mean what I said to her. I guess I just said it." He says leaning closer to her, his hot breath against her neck making her retreat backwards a little. She knows he's had too much to drink and yet she can't understand him telling her all that he is, she's had rather too much but still she isn't opening up. "Diane, just thank you for listening."  
  
"We better be going Zubin, its getting late and I'm sure you'd rather be at home in bed than in here drinking. Drinking doesn't solve anything it just makes it worse when you wake up in the morning with a hang over." She smiles and helps him up and across the bar.  
  
Inside the taxi Zubin lowers his head holding back the tears, she's right, it doesn't help the pain, it amplifies it if anything. Diane rubs his shoulder gently and continues to give him an encouraging smile; she knows just what he's going through. She's been through it all before with Ric, the time when you've ended something and yet you didn't really mean to. Just thinking of Ric she realises she has been stupid, she didn't mean the things she says and she will have to talk to him when she gets home, there is nothing she can do right now.  
  
"Zubin, she's going to be fine, you know that. You can never turn the clocks back and change the past, but you can always change the future, we all can. There are roads in life we have to take and whatever kind of state of confusion we are in, we have to choose one."  
  
The taxi pulls up outside Zubin's house and he turns towards Diane, stroking her hand gently with his thumb.  
  
"I guess this is goodnight." He says, smiling back at her finally. He leans closer not quite sure what he is doing and their lips meet tenderly. Shock fills her instantly and yet she does nothing to prevent it, she knows its wrong and yet it feels different, she doesn't care about anything else except that moment, nothing else. Zubin pulls away and slips across the seat, blushing furiously and closes the taxi door behind him leaving Diane to fall back into the seat, confused thoughts rushing through her mind. She's in an utter state of confusion and yet straight away the guilt fills her, she's made a mistake just like before but this time she isn't going to run. 


	4. Part four, forever in my heart

Part 4, Forever in my heart.  
  
Diane looks over at the other side of the bed and for a split second it seems like it has always been, like she is alone and the memories of the night before come flooding back. She rolls over and stares at the clock, her head throbbing gently, after a re-take at the clock she notices the time. She sits up almost instantly and places her hand to her head, groaning slightly and heaves herself into the bathroom. Instantly she sees him standing there in the bathroom, cleaning his teeth, he turns around to face her with a soothing smile. He leans forward and places a kiss tenderly on her cheek. Guilt surges through her like nothing before, rising from the pit of her stomach but she brushes it aside, it was a drunken mistake, just a kiss, its not like he has never made them.  
  
"Morning," He says slipping his arms around her waist, "did you have a good time last night, I didn't get much out of you."  
  
She inclines her head slowly as the tears begin to fall from her widened eyes, she hadn't meant to do what she did, never, but she feels that it cant work, not without honesty. She doesn't want to have to tell him and a deep urge inside of her tells her to run, break free of all the lies but every time she does she misses him, more than she can ever say. She pulls away from her grip and goes back to sit on the bed, the only escape she can bring herself to make without telling him anything. She wants to tell him everything. Deep inside she doesn't want to hurt him, and if she told him she knows that it would hurt him, whether he brought himself to admit it or not. She would see the hurt in his eyes, see the disappointment residing there and she would know she had failed him again, she cant bring herself to do that again, however selfish it is.  
  
"Diane, what is it?" He asks, emerging through the door, "You know you can tell me, whatever it is."  
  
"Ric, its nothing." She lies, looking down at the floor once again.  
  
"If it were nothing you wouldn't be so down. I can't take it to see you go through this all again, I can't stand to see us go through this all again, surely you feel the same." He says, his voice with a hint of pity and sadness.  
  
"Maybe there shouldn't be an us," She mutters, but as soon as the words have escaped her lips she wants to take them back. She loves him, but things have grown so complicated that she sees no reason to fight any more. "I just can't see it happening some how. I want it too, oh I want it too. but..."  
  
"But nothing, Diane, if you want it to work it can, just because I love you. How will we ever know if it works if we don't give it a go, if we don't put up a strong fight and show them all what we are made of. Maybe I'm not perfect, maybe we aren't and I'm not fooling anyone into believing anyone is, but to me, your perfect and I can't let you slip away from me again." He bends down beside her and takes her hand in his own, looking her straight in the eye. He isn't going to let her go, not again, he can't take the pain once more, it took him so much to get him back and he won't let go.  
  
"I just can't." She whispers, but he puts his finger to her soft lips and says, "There is no such word as can't, it's a matter of if you want to or not, forget about tomorrow, yesterday and any other insignificance, just think about now, where we are today."  
  
He lifts her hand and kisses it gently before standing up and helping her up after him. She still knows she has to tell him, but it doesn't seem the right time, it probably never will be, and maybe in years to come it will just come out, but he is right, nothing matters but the present.  
  
~*~  
  
Anita looks down onto her hand that rests upon her stomach and she quickly pulls it away, she doesn't want to be a mother, she needs to keep reminding herself to prevent impulse. She looks out of the window as the rain hammers down; it doesn't even sound the same to her any more. Nothing is the same.  
  
She feels a tear roll down her cheek, but she is alone, it matters not to her if no one is there, if she has no one to keep a façade on for. So many tears can be shed when she is alone, when she has no one to give an explanation to.  
  
She is afraid, and every time she sees Tom everything brightens up and it seems okay again, but as soon as he leaves the doubts come rushing back. She doesn't want to cry any more, doesn't want a reason to cry and yet she knows its what Tom wants, and all she wants is for everything to be okay.  
  
He tried to convince her that it would be okay, but she couldn't believe him, no matter how much she tried and now everything is switched to instant negativity, and she feels as if something is going to go wrong.  
  
~*~  
  
Jess turns around to face him in bed, her face glowing with happiness and satisfaction. Nothing can get her down, for once everything in her life is going perfect, there is nothing to hold her back and stop her from living her life like she always dreamed as a child.  
  
She smiles just remembering her childish dreams, being in her lovers warm arms for ever, and up until a few weeks ago she had believed it would never happen. So long she had just taken life as a breeze, seen men come and go and never wished to settle down, but it's all different now.  
  
"I love you," He whispers gently as he strokes her hair, "I really do."  
  
"I love you too." She replies, her voice full of admiration, not sure whether to tell him the truth, to tell her exactly what is running through her mind. She decides against it.  
  
"Who would have thought we would have ended up together?" He says, letting his feelings out, it's true, so long ago he wouldn't have even suspected it, but things change, priorities change. people change.  
  
"But I'm glad we are. really glad we are, and it's going to be just fine, just me, you and this baby." She says, placing her hand on her stomach.  
  
He places his hand over hers and rubs it gently, "just the three of us" He says.  
  
~*~  
  
She smiles gently at him as he enters the room, lighting up her life again. He hasn't liked to leave her alone since the roof incident and he kept true to his word that he would never leave her side. He places his arms around her and pulls her close, savouring every moment he can spend with her, glad that she is still with him.  
  
"I don't deserve you." She says, fingering his collar teasingly.  
  
"Anita, every little smile you give me brings me joy, just seeing you walking down that corridor makes me want to hold you in my arms," he says looking her straight in the eyes, her heart begins to summersault just like a child again she feels the tears of joy welling in her eyes but she holds them back. " And every time I think of the three of us together I am filled with excitement, just us forever."  
  
That is it, he had to go and ruin the moment, she had almost forgotten her regrets almost got caught up in the moment and yet the harsh reality hit her with a dignified blow once again. She cant tell him she isn't too sure about the baby, how could she possibly? Never before has she felt so confused, so annoyed and yet so in love, almost confused. And yet deep inside she knows the love for him will overtake all, she has never felt this way before and sure she is afraid, but she does want it to work.  
  
"And you will be forever in my heart, the two of you." She whispers as he grips her hand lovingly.  
  
~*~  
  
Ric turns towards the patient and smiles gently, knowing that nothing can go wrong while Diane is by his side. As much as he knows she had regrets he hopes he has put it behind them, they will make it through, he wont ever let her slip away and by his word he will stand strong.  
  
"So Mr Darling, I think we will be seeing you in theatre in a few hours, keep healthy until then for me." He smiles and him and Diane walk out, large smiles on their faces.  
  
"You never did tell me about last night." He comments while walking down the corridor.  
  
"Nothing much to tell really." She says, its not lying to him from how she sees it, there is nothing to tell him, that kiss meant nothing to either of them.  
  
"As long as you had fun."  
  
"It wasn't much fun without you, I remember that much, I just drunk a little too much I'm afraid. You know what its like sometimes. apart from the fact that I don't get stoned when I'm out." She says, shooting a disappointed look towards Ric before wandering off.  
  
"I love you too!" He shouts after her, laughing slightly and shaking his head. She never did like his smoking, even though it is on rare occasions, and he knows he shouldn't do it. But before, he had no reason not too, the reasons he has not to were the reasons he used to have to do it, her.  
  
He sits down inside his office and looks at the pictures scattered about his desk, pictures of so long ago that they used to be so distant but they have come alive again, pictures of him and Diane. He lifts one up and stares at it, their beaming reflections shining up at him, walking through a field, not a care in the world. It's the same with her now, nothing matters as long as he has her, and he will always have her. At first he had been weary of the night before, she had seemed so distant and suddenly wanted to end it all, sure they had had an argument but he didn't think it was to that extent. As soon as she assured him that all was fine he forgave her and forgot all about it, its like whatever she says has to be true, they say love is blind and maybe it is, but he loves her and she loves him.  
  
~*~  
  
Tom sits beside Anita, and takes her hand once again, looking deep into her large blue eyes.  
  
"I can tell something is wrong Anita, wont you just talk to me for once instead of pretending everything is okay?" He says gently, not sure how to touch on the subject, "I can see it in your eyes constantly, there is something going on in there and I don't know what it is."  
  
She looks down towards the ground and yet she knows she has to tell him, he's sure to understand. It will be a relief to get everything off her chest. "I. err." She falters.  
  
"How can we make this work, its not going to if you keep things from me and this baby." He says, innocently.  
  
"Maybe I don't want there to be a baby Tom, did you ever think about that? Sure, at first I thought it would be okay, but I don't think I'm ready for this. I don't know how it's going to work; can you really see me with a baby? I tried to convince myself it would be okay. I really did." She sighs and looks up at him, knowing that her doubts are finally said and they sound so stupid aloud. A single tear rolls down her cheek, sure that this time she has ruined it forever. He needed her to be strong, and now she has shown him that she can be vulnerable and broken down that wall.  
  
"Why couldn't you tell me Anita, I though you could tell me anything." He says, his heart partly broken, maybe she doesn't love him as much as he thinks she does.  
  
"How could I when you were so happy about it, I couldn't go and do that to you and so I just went on pretending that it would all be okay, its best that way." She whispers.  
  
"You could have told me Anita, you're a psychiatrist for heavens sake, you know how to deal with this kind of thing."  
  
"Not when its yourself, its different you have to actually think about it, and all I could think of was how it would hurt you, because I love you." Just saying the words makes her believe it could be okay again, and yet she knows she must go on and sort it all out, no one else can make decisions for her any more.  
  
"So, what do you want to do, its no use just going on endlessly." He says soothingly rubbing her shoulder.  
  
"I want to keep it, not because you want me too, but because I know it can be okay, I may still have doubts but I will never know if I don't do it." She says smiling. He takes her in his arms and kisses the top of her head gently, knowing that its what she wants.  
  
~*~  
  
Kath watches as the cars go whizzing past down on the road, everyone going on with normal life and somewhere he is out there. Somewhere Simon is wandering around waiting to inflict pain and torture upon someone else's life and there is nothing she can do. Something else plays on her mind, Zubin, as much as she tried to be strong she loves him, and nothing will un- break her heart.  
  
It was short, something she had cherished like nothing ever before and it ended so abruptly, he was ripped from her life because of Simon and the fear he brought to her life. She had never been one for believing in hate, but she hates him, nothing more, nothing less.  
  
The tears begin to fall down her cheeks, but it doesn't matter any more, she has no reason to keep up a brave front, he's gone. Not gone forever, but he will no longer be there when she gets home, she will never feel his tender kisses, his warm touch.  
  
~*~  
  
Zubin looks up at her wardroom from the car park, he longs to be there with her, to hold her in his arms and tell her it will be okay and yet he knows he cant. Last night he made a mistake of kissing Diane, and its true what they say, everyone makes mistakes, but how can he tell her that, how can he get her back? He walks into the building, his heart aching for her and he knows he has to see her, just to make sure she is okay.  
  
As soon as he walks in there tears spring to his eyes but he pushes them aside as he sits on her bed, it's not the time to be crying.  
  
"How are you feeling?" He asks gently, trying to keep a happy face, to convince her it will all be okay, she's better off without him anyways.  
  
"Probably better than I look," she jokes, but inside her heart is breaking, "Zubin, I'm sorry, I'm oh so sorry."  
  
He takes her hand gently and looks towards her, something deep inside of him is telling him not to take her back but his heart tells him he loves her, and that's something no other woman does to him.  
  
"I'm sorry too, but it can't work, can it? You know I want it too, and no other woman holds a candle anywhere near you, or even compares to you but all these mistakes." He says, not even sure that there were many mistakes, just one on each part.  
  
"I guess it couldn't, you do deserve better than this." She whispers, feeling vulnerable again, she can't help but tell him how she feels, despite not wanting too.  
  
"I've told you before, I never wanted better than you, but as much as I love you we both are old enough to know now that it can't work." He says, cursing himself, just when she admits to him that it could work he reverses things again.  
  
He stands up and leaves the room again, he cant stand to sit in there any longer and see those tears, watch them fall and not want to hold her in his arms and tell her he loves her over again.  
  
~*~  
  
Ed walks out of theatre his face gleaming with joy, a wide smile spread over his face and his eyes twinkling. No one has ever seen him so happy; who would have thought it could have turned out this way? He sits down in the café, this time he has to make things work, he loves Jess and Jess loves him. With Chrissie it wasn't the same, the love wasn't there and there was no guaranty the child she carried was his, this time its certain.  
  
Chrissie had meant so much to him, so much he almost risked suicide over it, but thinking back on it now things have never looked so stupid. She's gone, and that's something people must accept over time, everyone must. At first it had seemed as if nothing would ever fit back into place again, and then Jess rang him at his greatest time of need and a warmth started to fill into his heart again.  
  
As he sat and listened to Jess play so many things rushed through his mind, but the grieving inside begun to subside. Then she dropped the bombshell, he knows he could have taken it two ways, the loss of Chrissie could have made him want to block her out but the loss of Chrissie actually brought him to think, and to consider others. Within moments he knew he loved Jess and he held her in his arms and all seemed at peace again, and he knew she would be forever in his heart.  
  
~*~  
  
Zubin approaches Diane attentively and catches her arm, not sure what to say, what to do. He wants to apologise to her, its not something any respectable man would have done but he did it, and he feels guiltier than anyone will ever know.  
  
She turns around with a smile on her face, and immediately her face falls, she had tried to avoid him, as childish as it was she couldn't face him. She looks him straight in the eye, she knows she has to.  
  
"About the other night Diane.. I'm sorry." He says tenderly.  
  
"Me too, it was a mistake. a huge one, and it meant nothing, we were both drunk." She whispers. Instantly he feels something inside of him growing, something he knows is wrong but he is attracted to her, who wouldn't be? He did try to convince himself he didn't have feelings for her, but when he had drink inside him, feelings spilt over and he has an excuse to do things, the truth is, he wasn't sorry at all.  
  
"Then why did it feel so good?" He asks, stroking the side of her face gently.  
  
She pulls away suddenly, hurt and confused as to what is going on, Ric is his best friend and Zubin isn't like that, he's a caring compassionate man. She turns around just as he leaves the ward, and she follows him with her eyes, her heart breaking instantly.  
  
~*~  
  
Tom paces up and down outside the bedroom door, he doesn't know what to say to her, he isn't even sure any more if she really does want the abortion or not. She walks out of the bedroom in a long red dress and he smiles gently.  
  
"You always did look good in red." He comments as he takes her arm.  
  
"Would I wear anything else while with you?" She asks as he leads her downstairs and outside to the awaiting limo.  
  
~*~  
  
Zubin had gone after him as soon as Ric had left the ward, it hadn't been how it looked, maybe it had. He turns to him in the office, lost for what to say.  
  
"I can't believe the pair of you, going at it behind my back, you could have at least done the sensible thing and waited until you were out of where I work." Ric says, his heart breaking apart.  
  
"It wasn't like that Ric, you have to believe me," he says, he knows he has to tell Ric the truth and not sabotage another relationship, "The truth is, I was drunk the other night and I kissed her, it meant nothing but I couldn't help myself, she didn't want too, I know she didn't."  
  
"And how am I meant to believe that Zubin, you're my best friend." He sighs, anger rising inside of him.  
  
"And as your best friend I'm telling you the truth," he says gently the guilt rising inside of him again. "Go and talk to her, she needs you."  
  
~*~  
  
Diane stands on the roof, looking down on the city of Holby as the sun sets over it, the slight breeze blowing her hair backwards.  
  
"How did I know you would be up here?" He asks, stepping out beside her, "Its beautiful isn't it?" He comments, looking at the setting sun.  
  
"Did you really believe I would do that?" She asks.  
  
"That's how it looked Diane.." He says, putting his coat around her shivering shoulders.  
  
"I didn't ask how it looked, I asked what you thought Ric."  
  
"Okay, sure, at first I couldn't believe it, I love you, but then Zubin explained what happened and I knew it was true." He says putting his arm around her.  
  
"I'm sorry." She whispers gently into the cold air.  
  
"No need for an apology Diane, I still love you, and it wasn't your fault."  
  
"I know.but sorry." She says as he wraps his arms completely around her and watches over her head the sun setting.  
  
"It really is a beautiful sunset." He whispers. 


	5. part five, sometimes words aren't enough

Part five, Sometimes words aren't enough.  
  
Kath sits beside the lake, the tears falling from her chestnut eyes, unable to think of anything but the last few days, each moment flashing before her eyes and hurting her all the more. She wants to reverse it all, take back everything she says, she wants to beg him, to plead with him. That same urge came over her with Simon, and yet the reasons were different, the circumstances differed.  
  
"I'm sorry," she stammers, her words failing her in the frosty morning. She had never meant for it to turn out how it has, she had thought it would last forever, there was nothing to suggest it wouldn't.  
  
She stands up and heads towards the car, knowing that she has to go to work, she cannot sit around doing nothing. While she is busy she doesn't have to think of anyone, think of Simon or Zubin and that's the way she wants it to stay, no reflecting. for now.  
  
~*~  
  
Diane turns to look at Zubin slightly during theatre, the silence cutting through them all, surgery with the three of them has been difficult for a while. She smiles gently at him, not quite knowing what else to do.  
  
"Diane, can you move the suction, I can't see what I'm doing!" Ric demands, his face screwing up in concentration, the one thing that always made Diane laugh. It's the little things that make the difference, and she knows that, she just hopes she has done the right thing.  
  
"Yes, Sir!" She giggles, shooting a sarcastic look towards him and pulling a face at Zubin. To be honest with herself she knows it's the happiest she has been in years, the happiest she has been since she left Ric all those years ago. Despite all those many months she spent crying and regretting leaving Ric, she has never felt any emotion but love and admiration for him.  
  
As Diane and Ric walk out of surgery Ric slips his arms around Diane's waist and sways her gently in his arms.  
  
"I think someone needs to talk to Kath, I know she isn't coping or ready to come back to work, but why would she listen to an old fool like me?" He says, whispering into her ear as Zubin watches from behind them. Before, Zubin would have expected to feel jealous of anything passing between Ric and Diane, but now he is just empty.  
  
"I'll go, she needs someone, your right." She says removing his arms from around her.  
  
"Oh, don't deny the old and fool comments then." He smiles, slipping back to her side and catching her arm.  
  
"I won't, don't worry." She giggles, releasing herself from his grip teasingly and walking off towards the ward, where she knows Kath will be.  
  
~*~  
  
"Its Cold" Ed says, beckoning Jess away from the garden and into the living room.  
  
She looks towards him; tear tracks lined down her cheeks, her brown eyes full of fear and sorrow. She rests her head on his chest, the soothing rise and fall of it at every breath soothing her gently.  
  
"What is it?" He asks, taking her hands into his own, warming them as the tears begin to tumble from her eyes again. She shakes her head defiantly, not knowing what to tell him, but knowing that she would be better off in silent misery, it's the only way she knows. Some people just aren't used to being sad, and she isn't.  
  
"Jess," he says, lifting her head so that her eyes a pouring deeply into his own, and he sees the sorrow and the insecurity, "you can talk to me, tell me what it is, you know that you can tell me anything. Everybody hurts, and it's how we deal with it that counts and whatever is going on in that head of yours doesn't matter. I'll. umm. I'll be standing by your side until forever, no matter what."  
  
Jess knows its true, and yet something deep inside her tells her that it won't be this way forever, some day something is going to go wrong, and she doesn't want it to go that way, ever. She's not sure what is going on inside her head, she's confused, weeks ago it seemed so easy but given time to think things over nothing looks as certain. Someone had always told her that things were worth risking happiness for, and you can't pass an opportunity of happiness just because your not completely sure, maybe they had been right. Something tells her she's not so secure, she's never felt this way before and it confuses her but. its there. She's sure about the baby but nothing can make sure of her happiness and even with the thought of Ed's warm touch things seem wrong. Something deep inside is telling her it will go wrong, and yet she doesn't know why she feels so sad.  
  
"Jess," He starts again, his heart racing with nerves, "I've been meaning to ask you for some time now. Will you..." He says. Dropping down onto one knee "Will you marry me?"  
  
Shock fills her worried heart, mixed with so many feelings she cannot understand and has never felt before. All at once she wants to say yes, finalise her love for him, and yet she isn't sure it can work, no matter how deep their love is. She turns away from him, her head held low, tears of confusing spilling from her deep brown eyes.  
  
"I don't know Ed, I really don't know." She whispers before running out into the car, wanting time to think, time alone at work where no one can bother her, no one and nothing.  
  
~*~  
  
She watches silently as another tear slips from Kath's eyes, pain searing through her heart at every moment just thinking of him. Diane slips her arm around Kath's shoulders and bows her head in silent understanding, knowing that every word of comfort is best left unsaid. No matter what she does, nothing can heal Kath's heart.  
  
At first Kath had tried to keep face, but as the days grew on she no longer saw the point, and the first tears fell, followed by so many more that she lost count. She has felt loss before, but never to this extent, where he is so close and yet so out of reach, and where every inch of her soul longs for him. So many people had told her she was too old to fall in love again, but they had been wrong, she had proved that, and deep inside she knows it. Falling in love with Zubin was the best thing that ever happened to her in so long, and in an instant it was snatched from her grip, taken away in just one breath, one moment, a few words, a few tears, and for what? As far as she is concerned, for nothing. no relief, no happiness and so much regret.  
  
"I just can't believe it Diane, why is it always me? What have I ever done wrong?" Kath asks, wiping the tears from her saddened eyes.  
  
"You've done nothing wrong Kath, just remember that, something good will happen, you and I both know that, if not now, then a few weeks, months. maybe even years, but it will happen. You've never deserved anything that has happened to you, but it has happened and there's no explanation for it but you'll make it through, you always manage to." Diane whispers, her heart bleeding on Kath's behalf, meaning every word she says, despite how unlike her it is.  
  
"Maybe this time I won't manage." Kath sobs, looking up at Diane, "And since when has it been you giving me advice." She adds jokingly.  
  
"Since it has been you needing it"  
  
~*~  
  
Ric sits beside Zubin on the roof, them both looking towards the ground, neither of them saying a word, there is so much to say and yet neither of them have words to express it, sometimes words just aren't enough.  
  
"I'm sorry Ric, I didn't mean anything that happened, I was so confused." Zubin says, trying to make the peace at last.  
  
"Why didn't you just come to me in the first place?" Ric enquires gently, the hurt building inside of him that his friend felt he couldn't come to him. Why? What was that bad that he would betray him in such a way? Why Diane? So many things he would love to ask him, and yet he doesn't know how.  
  
"Like you came to me when you needed money, when you needed advice, when you had that little gambling problem you mean?" He snaps sarcastically, "God Ric, no one is perfect you know, sometimes we don't enquire for help, we all make mistakes."  
  
"Maybe that was just one too many." Ric says looking towards Zubin. So much hurt is inside of him that he can't let go of, he's never been one to hold grudges, but sometimes it goes too far. He stands up and walks across the roof, not knowing quite what to do, he knows somehow that they are being childish, he's known it all along, but it seems so defeatist just to give in now. Maybe it had only been one kiss, but Zubin had meant it, somewhere deep inside him he had wanted to get back at Ric in some way. and why not through Diane? On the other had it could have just been an attraction, but the point still remains that he loves Diane, why would Zubin do it?  
  
He had never quite given Zubin an exact chance to explain, it all seemed so clear, as clear as day, he had tried to take away the one person Ric has ever truly loved. It wasn't like Zubin, but at the time jealousy took over and there was no other explanation, he didn't even consider the hard times Zubin had had.  
  
He walks off silently, not sure what to do, what to say, but in the state his in he cannot come up with a simple solution, its best not to think about.  
  
"Goodbye then," Whispers Zubin as Ric leaves through the exit without a single word.  
  
~*~  
  
Mubbs walks up beside Owen and smiles slightly, knowing the pain that fills Owen's heart. Everybody had watched Owen go about work without Chrissie, like an empty shell just acting on impulse, like nothing else mattered in the world. and it didn't. With each tear he shed, in what he thought were private moments, their hearts filled with sorrow. So many times had they wanted him to just speak about her, but he remained stubbornly focused on just getting on with his work and keeping his private life under wraps.  
  
"So, what's on the agenda for today then?" Mubbs asks merrily, trying unsuccessfully to lighten Owen's mood.  
  
"Eighteen year old female was admitted a few days ago with severe abdominal pains, she found out she was pregnant and is booked in for an abortion in an hour." He says, turning and going into his office.  
  
Mubbs nods, turning towards Rosie and smiles gingerly at her then shrugs his shoulders, no one has any idea what is going on inside Owen's mind, and that's the way Owen intends it to stay. Rosie slowly approaches Mubbs with a gentle smile spread about her kind face.  
  
"So, what's going on in the wonderful world of Mubbs?" Rosie asks, her heart racing. She knew from the first time she set eyes on him that her feelings for him would be strong, and she would crave him. She had never been a true believer in love at first sight until she set eyes upon him. Through her arranged marriage she had never known true love, but every moment spent with Mubbs she's sure is love.  
  
As much as she believes him to be a womaniser, something deep inside just tells her that he could be so much more, that its all a façade. So many times had she been tempted to go for it, just to abandon all the life she lives to be with him, but it's just a crazy thought with no justification. The life she has with Sami and the girls, it isn't perfect, but it's all she has ever known and it's comfortable, she doesn't know if she could handle anything different. She knows though, on the other hand, that comfortable isn't something you should just settle for.  
  
~*~  
  
Jess walks out into AAU, her eyes gleaming with fresh, confused tears. With each tear she has cried a different 'way out' popped into her head, each less possible than the first. She loves him, she's sure of that, but somehow her heart just isn't in it and as far as she's concerned, his isn't quite either. His words may be right but her feelings just aren't. She has been thinking of it constantly for the last half hour and yet nothing has got any clearer, everything is clouded. If she had no ounce of doubt inside her she would say yes in a heartbeat, and she still considers doing just that, but something holds her back.  
  
There's always going to be the 'what if's' floating around inside her head, what if he decides he has had enough in a few years? What if they can't make it right? She knows that it's a risk she has to take, everyone goes through it, but nothing seems right anymore, the 'what if's' are just taking over. For a split second she imagines life without him and her heart fills with sorrow and loss, the risk has to be taken, as long as she still has the chance to take it.  
  
~*~  
  
Kath stands beside the patient's bed, folding the sheets aimlessly, her mind working in overdrive. She doesn't seem to need to think anymore, its all laid out in front of her like an ever winding path, it seems imminent that she will remain alone and forever longing for just one look, just one touch from him.  
  
"Nurse, any idea when I'm going in for this operation?" The patient asks warily, a sound of deep panic in his deep voice.  
  
Kath turns around to face him, her lips smiling, her eyes needing desperately to cry. Each moment she has to keep herself in check, stop herself from crying and drive herself on with work. Some people would say she was being pathetic, but deep inside she feels anything but.  
  
"Should be in a couple of minutes," She says, before noticing the worried look in his deep brown eyes. From the moment he came in she had been too caught up in herself to notice one of her own patients in distress. "I'm sorry Mr Taylor, I had been a little preoccupied, are you okay?"  
  
"Its just. if this operation doesn't go right... then everything I have lived for has been for nothing," He whispers, hanging his head. Her heart fills with compassion for the man sitting before her, now she has taken time to listen to him; she feels the will to help him.  
  
"Is there anyone I can call for you?" She asks cheerfully, her heart still breaking by the seconds, but her mind focused on the task at hand. She takes every day bit by bit to help her through.  
  
"No one." He says, fiddling with the hem on his gown, "Well. there is my girlfriend Lauren, but. I don't want you to call her unless something goes wrong. promise me that."  
  
"If that is what you wish. now what is it that is worrying you so much, it's okay for you to be afraid you know." She adds sympathetically.  
  
"I'm not afraid!" He snaps, alarming her slightly, his face becomes calm again instantly, his voice softer, "I'm sorry. its just that since I was a young boy I dreamt of being a surgeon, I'm a medical school you see, and its as if it's being snatched from me. I'm sure it will be okay though." He says, his ever-changing moods taking Kath for surprise.  
  
"It will be okay, I'm sure it will. Just keep calm until the operation, you don't want to get yourself worked up, although I'm sure you know that one," she says soothingly.  
  
~*~  
  
Ed picks up the ring that he had so casually tossed across the room a few days ago; it had seemed so simple then, such a definite yes. At the time picking up the ring had seemed something he didn't need to do, maybe if he had he would have looked more serious about it.  
  
Deep down inside he knows there is nothing he could have done to change her mind, nothing to make her say yes. The day she sat playing the piano before him seems so long ago now, how she sat in his arms after and he felt so needed, so loved, like never before.  
  
He steps outside into the fresh air, the cold wind whipping at his face and arousing his senses. He has to talk to her, explain how much he loves her, find out the problem. anything. But as he sits inside the car and switches on the radio, his heart begins slowly to resign.  
  
She's like the wind through my tree  
  
She rides the night next to me  
  
She leads me through moonlight  
  
Only to burn me with the sun  
  
She's taken my heart  
  
But she doesn't know what she's done  
  
The tears fall silently from his eyes at these very words, everything inside him aches for Jess, every movement hurts. It had seemed so simple when he thought it over in his head; it had been like she had to say yes, that she would say yes. He had learned once before, that fate always seemed to have some cruel joke up its sleeve just for him, and once again it had happened. He had let his guard down and allowed himself to settle down once again, just for it all to be blown into a turbulent storm.  
  
Feel her breath on my face  
  
Her body close to me  
  
Can't look in her eyes  
  
She's out of my league  
  
Just a fool to believe  
  
I have anything she needs  
  
She's like the wind  
  
He thinks silently in the car, he had been foolish to believe that Jess would stay with him, be his forever. Deep inside he had had his doubts about it, had wondered if it would go right, but when he looked at her they all blew away. Maybe she had encountered these doubts as well, but she had acted upon them, if only she hadn't.  
  
His heart swells with sorrow as the tears pour from his pain-filled eyes, he hasn't felt this bad since Chrissie. The last time he felt this bad he had been driven almost to suicide, but he knows he can't this time, there are other people to think of, Jess. No matter how much she has hurt him, he can't do anything he will regret because of her, because he is afraid of hurting her.  
  
Maybe words weren't enough to express his feelings for her, that's why she couldn't bring herself to say yes, or maybe she just didn't love him. Either way, in his mind, the prospects don't look good, he loves her, but how can he march after her and tell her, when he is afraid of getting rejected again.  
  
I look in the mirror and all I see  
  
Is a young old man with only a dream  
  
Am I just fooling myself  
  
That she'll stop the pain  
  
Living without her  
  
I'd go insane  
  
Pulling his seatbelt over his shoulder and wiping the tears from his eyes, he makes a decision, that he can't hold back, that he has to see her, if only to know she's still somewhere in his life.  
  
~*~  
  
Ric looks across to Diane during theatre, watching her nose screw up in concentration, 'cute' he thinks. He smiles at her behind his mask and he watches her eyes glow up with joy as she smiles back at him.  
  
"Looks like he's going to make it then," Zubin says turning his head towards the two of them in their loving silence.  
  
"It does look that way," Ric mutters back, "I guess he just wants to carry on with his life and follow his dream, and I can't blame him when you can find such love as a surgeon."  
  
"Oh just kill me now," Zubin whispers under his breath, quiet enough for Ric not to have heard. As much as he wanted to be friends with Ric again, he can't help but think he's trying to rub it in his face somehow. Love is found greatest as a surgeon, but lost so easily when the right things aren't said.  
  
"Is it okay if I leave you to close, Diane, I have some business to attend to?" He asks and Diane nods gently in response her great blue eyes gazing happily at him. "Good work guys."  
  
~*~  
  
Mubbs strokes Rosie's cheek gently, his whole body calling out to her, every inch of him wanting her, despite knowing he shouldn't. He closes his eyes gently and holds her in his arms, taking everything a step at a time, he knows its not all one sided.  
  
"Rosie." He whispers looking deep into her chocolate eyes.  
  
"Shhhh," She places her finger to his lips staring back into his eyes, she knows its wrong, but maybe that's what makes it feel so right. Its dangerous, daring and she feels so strongly that she can't fight back any longer. So long she has waited for this one moment when they can be alone, so long has she waited to be in his arms, to feel his tender touch.  
  
"Its wrong Mubbs," She whispers as he kisses her gently on the neck, and her eyes gently close.  
  
"Rosie, Your not just anyone to me, you do know that. All my life I've looked for someone like you."  
  
"I knew some day I would find your sensitive side," she giggles as she leans forward and they share their first ever kiss. The touch of his lips against hers fills her with a mixture of guilt and excitement from this long awaited moment.  
  
~*~  
  
Ed rushes into AAU, a dozen red roses clutched in his right hand, his face red and flustered from running. His eyes are full of sorrow and his heart aches, but still he battles on, no matter what, he has to see her, even just for this one last time.  
  
"Jess!" he calls out as he watches her answer the phone. He rushes to her side as she puts down the receiver and ushers her into a side room. All the words he had planned inside his head all disappear once again, the tears just tumble silently down his cheeks.  
  
"Ed, don't make it harder for me." She whispers, her voice trembling as she holds back the tears that spring to her eyes simply at the sight of him.  
  
"Jess, why? I just want to tell you that I love you so much. To be honest, I have never felt this way about anyone else before, I wanted to tell you when I proposed, I had so many things I wanted to say, but it wouldn't come out." He says, it all coming out so fast, that once he has started he just can't stop, "And. erm. whatever it is that's bothering you, we can work it out, I promise, no relationship is easy Jess, that's what makes them better, whether you can...umm. make it through the hard stuff."  
  
Jess looks down towards the floor, he hand rested gently upon her stomach and the tears filling her eyes. She loves him, but how can she ever get past the doubt inside her? He lifts up her head gently and pours his very heart and soul into her eyes as he sniffs back tears.  
  
"I will." She whispers gently, her heart racing inside of her.  
  
"You will?"  
  
"I will," She says, embracing him gently after kissing him tenderly.  
  
~*~  
  
Kath looks up as Zubin enters the ward and her eyes fill with tears once again, she kneels down onto the floor and sits with her back against the desk. A single tear rushes down her cheek as she sits looking up at the ceiling, her heart broken in two.  
  
Memories of Zubin holding her in his arms when she found out about Chrissie rush to memory at once and she tries to force them away, they hurt too much. She recalls lying in bed next to him, his warm breath tickling the back of her neck and she realises how much she has truly lost.  
  
Her pride is the only thing, still, that stops her from rushing into his arms and breaking down, saying that she loves him, begging him to take her back. She's tried before, and look where it got her.  
  
"I love you." He whispers bending down beside her, placing his hand gently on her shaking shoulders. Her head turns to look at him with a look of deep hurt and depression but she suppresses a slight smile. Its those three words that she has been waiting to hear for a while now, those three words which are so easily said but mean so much to her.  
  
Gently closing her eyes she falls into his arms and sobs into his shoulder, the two of them too sorry to say anything, to even say how sorry they are. They both know that there is so much further to go now, further than they had to go before, but they are willing, more willing than anyone, to make it work.  
  
"I love you too" She whispers, gripping his hand in her own, "So much,"  
  
Part 6 coming soon! 


End file.
